Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday...and congratulations

I know you're happy with him and that makes me happy. Although, even I cannot summon the smile to convince myself that what I'm saying is true but I know it is, because at the end of the day... I know that your happiness is what matters to me.

Salvation

Sadness and numbness, sometimes you cannot tell the difference.
Arguably one of the reasons people isolate themselves.
Vehement waves of unbearable longing.
Echoing through the silence of the abyss.

Mend the brokenness.
Endure the agony.

Seasons II

He saw the sun retreat in the distance
Its rays yielding into the crippling night

Snowflakes fell from the sky
Like sorrowful tears from a widow's cry

Winter was over and he was his spring
But the cold is more powerful; dark and unforgiving

Seasons

   The snow began to melt

   The night your first kiss was felt

   Dark clouds gave way for the sun

   To shed light and had the sorrow undone

   The birds joyfully sing

   To the blissful songs your voice brings

   Butterflies dance to the flowers that bloom

   As the last bits of snow washes away my gloom

   I will keep you in my heart

   A secret place where forever you'll be a part

   For your heart has given mine a whole new meaning

   As winter is over and you are my spring

Joseph, I hope you rot in hell.

"He just said he didn't want to do it anymore" Ryan sighed, expressionless. His eyes, hollow, soulless.

"He said he didn't want to do it? that's it?" Corazon exclaimed in disbelief, slamming her hands on the antique table, almost catching everyone's attention in the French Cafe they were seated in.

Ryan looked up and stared at Corazon. Her face was bursting with rage yet her eyes radiated compassion and empathy.

"Yes, just like that" He replied.

She reached for his hand and cupped it in hers, trying to calm the storm underneath his untroubled aura.

"I'm sorry babe, you did not deserve that." She whispered.

But

There was no storm. there were no tears to shed and no broken heart to piece together... only nothingness and barely-healed wounds.

July 31, 12:38pm
"One day, we will live together forever and I will look after you in health and in sickness. I love you."

Under any circumstances, Ryan would have fallen in love with Joseph's sweet ensemble of words but Gabriel, his great love, had already destroyed him. He knew that Joseph would leave just like the others. Ryan saved himself this time. He knew that he can never trust any man again.

"I'm okay, it's just a scratch." Ryan uttered as he placed the turquoise, porcelain teacup on the saucer.

He yearned for long drives; looking for drive-thrus, taking car selfies and singing wildly to pop songs, hearts bursting with laughter, hands held and fingers intertwined.

He dreamed of warm and cozy nights; snuggled in bed, nestled in each other's arms, glued on Netflix while binge eating. His lover running his fingers through the strands of his hair as he gently planted kisses on his forehead.

He fantasized getting drunk at a club, dancing foolishly at the center with his partner, eyes fixed at each other's gaze as the noise muffled and the crowd faded in the background.

He envisioned trivial quarrels that blossomed into fierce lovemaking, bodies naked covered in kisses, minds blank and hearts full.

Corazon stood up and sat beside Ryan "look at me" She said as she wrapped her arm around him. "I hope you find someone who will respect your feelings".

But the fire in him has ebbed.

He grew cynical and callous. He refused to feel and open up again.

Ryan retreated to an emotional fortress where no one can touch him again.

"Yeah I guess" He replied with a casual smirk.

Memories In a Love Song

“ikaw ang pag-ibig, sa araw at gabi..."

 (You are the love as the sun rises 'til it sets) 

My heart recalls

 "ikaw ang pag-asang tanglaw sa dilim" 

(You are the hope that sheds light in the dark) 

In the freezing hostile nights 

There I was, carving words of joy 

Hands bare

Alone 

Indifferent 

Yet breathing still, unbroken 

"napapawi ang hirap at pighati" 

(it soothes the difficulty and sorrow) 

My heart was frozen 

Your love was fire

It purged my soul

Of all its fears and doubts

I felt whole, alive 

"langit ang buhay sa tuwing ika'y hahagkan, anong ligaya sa tuwing ika'y mamasdan" 

(life is heaven with you, what joy it is to set my eyes on you)

My heart was overjoyed 

Love flowed from its veins

And filled its beating chambers 

It moved firmly and quietly 

I was whole and alive 

"sa piling mo, ang gabi'y tila araw, ikaw ang pangarap, ikay lamang" 

(with you, the evenings are mornings, you are my dream, you alone.)

In you I find solace 

My day and night 

My breathtaking sunrise 

My tranquil evening sky 

With you I have purpose 

With you

I am whole and alive

Twilight

5:10am

They looked at him with inquisitive eyes; waiting for a spark that would illuminate the depths of his soul.

"If you really did love him, why didn't you fight for him? why didn't you beg when he decided to leave?"

He took a deep breath, leaned back and puffed his last cigarette as he veered away and threw his gaze up the starless sky; subtly attempting to recollect the events that transpired about two years ago.

"you know..." he felt a sudden pang in his heart as the words reluctantly escaped his lips -a dull pain which he managed to conceal behind a casual smirk.

"wouldn't it be selfish if you force someone to stay and love you kahit na hindi ka na nila kayang mahalin?"

"kasi diba..." They watched his pupils dilate -a subconscious sign of readiness of love yet through them they saw defeat and emptiness. Love and sorrow -it was a paradox in its cruelest form. "kapag mahal mo, dapat kung saan siya sasaya?"

He noticed the quizzical expression on their faces. "was the feeling suicidal?" They both asked.

 In a swift second, he once again plunged into the maggot broth of forlorn memories. "masakit..." He whispered. "na kahit  ikamatay ko pa, kung sa paraang iyon ay mabubuhay siya..." he paused and let out an insignificant breath "magpapakamatay na lang ako."

"do you still..." They hesitated. Both of his friends knew the severity of their question

His vigorous love for him has stood the passage of time. It was the kind of love that was silent and self-sacrificing yet unrelenting. The seventh wonder of the world, his sun and moon, the love of his life, his habibi, will never come back and with that he is certain. Be that as it may, he still made an irrevocable decision to keep loving until the last teardrop falls; until the next phase of the moon, until the dying embers in his heart burn out.

5:59am

He saw the colors of the sun's glow in the horizon; the spectrum it threw at the great divide. The evening had ended in a nostalgic twilight. And through his eyes of perpetual sorrow, he looked at his friends..

"yes, i still do."