Midnight Confessions

12:20am

A couple of months ago, on this same bed at this exact time, I still vividly remember how tears gently rolled down my cheeks as memories of us flood every crevice in my mind. 

I was helpless.

No amount of words were adequate to convey the agony that has plagued and crippled my whole being. 

I was not exaggerating in my previous post when I begged for the Angel of Death to take my life.

It was THAT painful.

I could sit here all night and narrate how dull the days that followed were but this post isn't about that.

***

Again, as I recall the series of events that took place I cant help but feel a sense of pride.

Yes, pride.

I am proud of myself for I have triumphed over the monster that is depression. 

It was a tough fight.

I had to encourage myself EVERY 

SINGLE DAY to get back on my feet. 

I realized that at times like these, all I can really count on was myself. After failing so many attempts to forget, I have learned how to deal with the sudden waves of me and my ex's memories and have refrained from checking his social media accounts and listening to heartbreak inducing songs. 

Every time an unwanted picture appears in my head (like say, him having sex with his new partner) especially at work, I just pause and whisper "nope, dont hurt yourself, Elijah, you dont need that. you're strong!" to myself. It seems weird but it helped a lot.

I feel stronger because even though a lot of my friends suggested that I channel my emotions to somebody else (a rebound) I refused to. I chose to heal on my own and deal with the damages head on.

Maybe I'm not 100% okay, maybe the strength that I feel so proud of is fragile and can break any moment but one thing is certain... I am definitely in a better place now.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

In line with this, I want to thank the following people for helping me cope with my breakup.

Christian, my beloved best friend, we're miles apart but I always feel the warmth of your embrace with your words. You're forever seared in my heart.

Kino, your tough love never fails. Thank you for making me laugh and telling me that I am special even at times when I know I'm not; for taking me out to coffee dates and enduring a 45min train ride, even though you're always busy with school just so I'd have company. I am more than grateful for our friendship, I appreciate everything you've done.

Maricar, thank you for always slapping me with reality and then gently tapping my shoulder afterwards. Your objective reasoning has helped me see my faults in our relationship clearer thus being able to forgive myself too and make moving on possible. I love you tons!

Abi, indeed love can come from the least expected places, who knew that our experiences would bring us closer. I appreciate your daily encouragement, as a matter of fact I save them on my phone and reread them whenever I'm down. You've helped me in a lot of ways! I can't wait to see you when I get home this year.

Kelly and Team Malibu, thank you girls for the comfort and also making me laugh with all the stupid memes and dick jokes. It is so amazing to see our friendship transcend time and distance. I love you guys for life.

Because of all of you, my heart feels lighter. 

Kaunting panahon na lang magiging ganap na ang pagiging buo muli ng pagkatao ko. 

***

End.