Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday...and congratulations

I know you're happy with him and that makes me happy. Although, even I cannot summon the smile to convince myself that what I'm saying is true but I know it is, because at the end of the day... I know that your happiness is what matters to me.

Salvation

Sadness and numbness, sometimes you cannot tell the difference.
Arguably one of the reasons people isolate themselves.
Vehement waves of unbearable longing.
Echoing through the silence of the abyss.

Mend the brokenness.
Endure the agony.

Seasons II

He saw the sun retreat in the distance
Its rays yielding into the crippling night

Snowflakes fell from the sky
Like sorrowful tears from a widow's cry

Winter was over and he was his spring
But the cold is more powerful; dark and unforgiving

Seasons

   The snow began to melt

   The night your first kiss was felt

   Dark clouds gave way for the sun

   To shed light and had the sorrow undone

   The birds joyfully sing

   To the blissful songs your voice brings

   Butterflies dance to the flowers that bloom

   As the last bits of snow washes away my gloom

   I will keep you in my heart

   A secret place where forever you'll be a part

   For your heart has given mine a whole new meaning

   As winter is over and you are my spring

Joseph, I hope you rot in hell.

"He just said he didn't want to do it anymore" Ryan sighed, expressionless. His eyes, hollow, soulless.

"He said he didn't want to do it? that's it?" Corazon exclaimed in disbelief, slamming her hands on the antique table, almost catching everyone's attention in the French Cafe they were seated in.

Ryan looked up and stared at Corazon. Her face was bursting with rage yet her eyes radiated compassion and empathy.

"Yes, just like that" He replied.

She reached for his hand and cupped it in hers, trying to calm the storm underneath his untroubled aura.

"I'm sorry babe, you did not deserve that." She whispered.

But

There was no storm. there were no tears to shed and no broken heart to piece together... only nothingness and barely-healed wounds.

July 31, 12:38pm
"One day, we will live together forever and I will look after you in health and in sickness. I love you."

Under any circumstances, Ryan would have fallen in love with Joseph's sweet ensemble of words but Gabriel, his great love, had already destroyed him. He knew that Joseph would leave just like the others. Ryan saved himself this time. He knew that he can never trust any man again.

"I'm okay, it's just a scratch." Ryan uttered as he placed the turquoise, porcelain teacup on the saucer.

He yearned for long drives; looking for drive-thrus, taking car selfies and singing wildly to pop songs, hearts bursting with laughter, hands held and fingers intertwined.

He dreamed of warm and cozy nights; snuggled in bed, nestled in each other's arms, glued on Netflix while binge eating. His lover running his fingers through the strands of his hair as he gently planted kisses on his forehead.

He fantasized getting drunk at a club, dancing foolishly at the center with his partner, eyes fixed at each other's gaze as the noise muffled and the crowd faded in the background.

He envisioned trivial quarrels that blossomed into fierce lovemaking, bodies naked covered in kisses, minds blank and hearts full.

Corazon stood up and sat beside Ryan "look at me" She said as she wrapped her arm around him. "I hope you find someone who will respect your feelings".

But the fire in him has ebbed.

He grew cynical and callous. He refused to feel and open up again.

Ryan retreated to an emotional fortress where no one can touch him again.

"Yeah I guess" He replied with a casual smirk.

Memories In a Love Song

“ikaw ang pag-ibig, sa araw at gabi..."

 (You are the love as the sun rises 'til it sets) 

My heart recalls

 "ikaw ang pag-asang tanglaw sa dilim" 

(You are the hope that sheds light in the dark) 

In the freezing hostile nights 

There I was, carving words of joy 

Hands bare

Alone 

Indifferent 

Yet breathing still, unbroken 

"napapawi ang hirap at pighati" 

(it soothes the difficulty and sorrow) 

My heart was frozen 

Your love was fire

It purged my soul

Of all its fears and doubts

I felt whole, alive 

"langit ang buhay sa tuwing ika'y hahagkan, anong ligaya sa tuwing ika'y mamasdan" 

(life is heaven with you, what joy it is to set my eyes on you)

My heart was overjoyed 

Love flowed from its veins

And filled its beating chambers 

It moved firmly and quietly 

I was whole and alive 

"sa piling mo, ang gabi'y tila araw, ikaw ang pangarap, ikay lamang" 

(with you, the evenings are mornings, you are my dream, you alone.)

In you I find solace 

My day and night 

My breathtaking sunrise 

My tranquil evening sky 

With you I have purpose 

With you

I am whole and alive

Twilight

5:10am

They looked at him with inquisitive eyes; waiting for a spark that would illuminate the depths of his soul.

"If you really did love him, why didn't you fight for him? why didn't you beg when he decided to leave?"

He took a deep breath, leaned back and puffed his last cigarette as he veered away and threw his gaze up the starless sky; subtly attempting to recollect the events that transpired about two years ago.

"you know..." he felt a sudden pang in his heart as the words reluctantly escaped his lips -a dull pain which he managed to conceal behind a casual smirk.

"wouldn't it be selfish if you force someone to stay and love you kahit na hindi ka na nila kayang mahalin?"

"kasi diba..." They watched his pupils dilate -a subconscious sign of readiness of love yet through them they saw defeat and emptiness. Love and sorrow -it was a paradox in its cruelest form. "kapag mahal mo, dapat kung saan siya sasaya?"

He noticed the quizzical expression on their faces. "was the feeling suicidal?" They both asked.

 In a swift second, he once again plunged into the maggot broth of forlorn memories. "masakit..." He whispered. "na kahit  ikamatay ko pa, kung sa paraang iyon ay mabubuhay siya..." he paused and let out an insignificant breath "magpapakamatay na lang ako."

"do you still..." They hesitated. Both of his friends knew the severity of their question

His vigorous love for him has stood the passage of time. It was the kind of love that was silent and self-sacrificing yet unrelenting. The seventh wonder of the world, his sun and moon, the love of his life, his habibi, will never come back and with that he is certain. Be that as it may, he still made an irrevocable decision to keep loving until the last teardrop falls; until the next phase of the moon, until the dying embers in his heart burn out.

5:59am

He saw the colors of the sun's glow in the horizon; the spectrum it threw at the great divide. The evening had ended in a nostalgic twilight. And through his eyes of perpetual sorrow, he looked at his friends..

"yes, i still do."

Choices

So that is how it feels like... to hear the person you love weep over the man he had replaced you with. 

Like unsharpened knives cutting your heart open, its dull edges prolonging the process inflicting more pain and suffering.

Blood gushes each passing moment, every sob takes the blade deeper.

You stay and endure the ache

just so his heart and soul wouldn't break

His tears eventually lulls him to sleep

and you, you my friend, will be nothing more but a mere sponge who willingly absorbed his burden out of sheer stupidity.

Happy New Year

he was drowning

in his own tears

of unending sorrow

his muffled screams 

unheard by the people

celebrating the new year

he was alone

empty

lifeless

random

"From time to time, Paige went out with doctors from the hospital, but she refused to get romantically involved with any of them. Alfred Turner had hurt her too deeply, and she was determined never to go through that again."

-S.Sheldon, Nothing Lasts Forever

isolation

He yearned for long drives

for lazy mornings and warm nights

he longed for slow dances 

underneath the black, moonlit canvas

to the rhythm of unspoken vows

of eternal love and fidelity

he craved for petty quarrels

that blossomed into fierce love making  

which left nothing but gentle kisses

and intertwined souls caressed by the cold autumn breeze

he dreamed of discovering new worlds

exploring cities

getting lost in a labyrinth strangers and skyscrapers

unafraid of wandering too far

for you, his home, is with him.

but just as dreams dissolve at the crack of dawn

so did his

he looked in the mirror and saw the void on his chest

the nothingness that engulfed the remaining fragments of his heart

"the pain is debilitating" he thought

he retreated into an emotional fortress where no one could touch him again.

11/4/16

May all your dreams come true

insignificant sighs

Nine months have already passed

I can still feel the pain

one wrong picture

one wrong song

evoke forlorn memories

that lurk deep in the crevices 

of my flimsy heart

____

maybe they're right

i am but a soul that needs saving

a new love

a spark of hope

but hope

like love

is something I have abandoned

just as how i was abandoned

***

random

Maybe one day i'll be done, i'll be at peace. But until then, I'll continue to write your name... only to curse it.

the vow

alone he sat in the corner

running his palm on his chest

on withered scars that cover his heart

he remembered them sweet words vividly

what he said about love

about its wonders

about gliding through wheat fields

about lazy mornings

and skinny dipping in the ocean

he reread the poems

the songs

the little things

...

he hated it

...

you never leave the person you love

how can you abandon love?

...

eyes shut, he gently whispered

to forever close his doors

to shut people away

because everyone will leave eventually

and words, no matter how shiny they are

will lose its lustre when trials come

so he swore

with the remaining fragments of his heart on his clutches

to NEVER engage in love again

for love

is nothing more

than an illusion

a snare

and a trap of wonderful promises

***

I know you're happy and I hope you always get what you deserve. I hope you fulfill your dreams and I wish I am there to chase them with you. I'm afraid you are the last person I will ever love.

I'm not okay yet but I will be eventually, because in the end, you having found happiness is what matters...

Though I'm not going to lie, deep in the subconscious part of my head is a spark of hope wishing that one day we will be together or maybe you having found the stregnth to give us another chance.

Good night.

to the boy who awakened my heart

he's a writer

his words were warm and inviting; it thawed my frozen heart

they were sweet as honey

beautiful like summertime butterflies fluttering in the air

i was but a sad, broken hearted boy who needed saving and his timing was impeccable.

"stop holding back, show me the real you, the one you never show to anybody and i will show you real love."

"i want to be your bestfriend, your lover, your everything."

and it went on

"thats the beauty of loving someone who's broken kasi it's like you saved him"

i didnt need you, i never did but i took the risk because i trusted you.

"im half awake and im not sure if im typing this correctly..." he wrote "but if i have to whisper one last sentence, it would be: you're my everything"

"i want to be the one to make you feel all kinds of emotions."

your love, got me singing, got me doing things unimaginable. 

it drove away the hurt, the loneliness, the past. i felt alive.

"this is hard but i will be damned before i let this ship fall, i love you so much elijah, i will never give up on you, im not going anywhere."

and then everything changed...

"he's caught my attention..."

"i dont know if this is worth it anymore..."

"i need time to think..."

"i dont think i can do this..."

i was a wreck, i was weak but i had to be strong and fight for what we started.

"im ending things with you elijah, i cannot handle this baggage, this relationship is slowing me down."

like taking knives and slowly stabbing my already broken heart, i kept rereading your messages.

rereading them while, at the same time, listening to your songs and reading the poems youve written for me.

my heart was drowning in a sea of inexpressible sorrow, i could not breathe.

you took your mask off, showed me all the skeletons in your closet and unveiled your book. it was difficult but i accepted them all and stayed. 

and yet,

someone came along and caught your attention.

i brushed it off

and instead, trusted in your love

i trusted your words

i trusted you

but you...

you picked my heart up only to piece it together and throw it against a wall.

ang sakit naman nito

i guess i was right, i will never be good enough; i will never be worth keeping.

it was nice meeting you, shamsi.

*** 

he refused to stitch his heart up and slept with the cuts open. he hoped that by dawn, every single emotion would have flowed out from the wounds thus, waking up numb.

***

TANGINA TALAGA LAGI NA LANG! TANGINANG BUHAY TO AYOKO NA

he hated his concept of love

he despised yet took pride of it at the same time

it was a love that kept no record of wrongs

a true one

a persevering one

one that chooses to see past the shortcomings

one that loves even when the person is unlovable

to some it was unhealthy

to him it was the perfect gift

or perhaps a curse

he loathed himself for always caring

for enduring the beating

he believed that the only time you will let go 

is when the love is gone

that strength is measured 

by staying

and not by taking the easy way out

he detested his ideals

his strength is an abomination

*grabs feelings and crushes it with bare hands

he wished for numbness

for apathy

for oblivion

deep breaths

he remained silent

he was the type who never speak unless spoken to

he just sat there by the window

the moon's pulsating beam illuminated his curled up body

the cool evening breeze caressed his skin

everything else was pitch black

nothing can be heard except for his soft, muffled sobs resonating across the walls.

memories were relived 

wounds were reopened

so much pain

horror

regret and bereavement 

he grew desperate

desperate to free himself from the clutches of fear

but he had lost his strength

he was fragile and vulnerable

numb

so he just sat there

hushed

in the dark

by himself

"i dont know if this is worth it."

and waited till the pain fades away.

because, really, there's nothing he can do

and maybe he will be never worth it anyway

***

I just wanted you to know, that when I picture myself happy, it's with you.