VISIONS

were the kisses tender? 





wet? 





passionate?




did he moan lustfully when you were exploring his body with your tongue?





did your eyes roll back when he started stroking your manhood?





did you clench his hair and thrust your hips forward slowly as he took your hardness into his mouth?





were you pleased when you felt your body press against his?





were your fingers entwined... were your eyes locked in each other's gaze when you were on top and slowly penetrating him?





did it feel good?





was it intense?






...naisip mo ba ko habang ginagawa mo yon tulad ng sinabi mo? o naisip mo lang ako bago mangyare at pagkatapos? 






_______________________________________







i'm not gonna lie, masakit parin. masakit, lalo na kapag nakikita ko yung itsura nung lalake. pinatawad ko na siya, matagal na. i just don't know how to free myself from this evil that lurks underneath our blissful love story. Sabi ng friends ko, dapat daw iniwan ko na kasi kung sa kanila nangyare yon iiwanan nila agad. but no, i love him. i can't even fathom how my life is gonna be like without him. kelangan ko lang makahanap ng way to fight these demons.

why did I write this? 

"For us who see writing as a form of escape, it's what we need to purge our thoughts." - Justin P.

THOUGHTS OF A HAPPY MAN

The raindrops trickle on the window pane, my love.

I remember

Long ago, I used to curl up,

hug my knees and feel

a downpour of sadness

that engulfs my soul

and drains all the life that remains



but now

I feel nothing but happiness

and that is because of you.



You may not be my first love

but you are everything to me.

my strength

my joy

my peace of mind

my stability

and thats what matters.

I love you.


________


It's been a while since the last time I wrote.
I didn't have the luxury of time to read books or practice my skill.
For the past years I've written nothing but melancholy.
I somehow mastered the ways of conveying grief.
Happiness is a foreign emotion for me.
Bear with me as I paint new colors in my dull and lifeless page.
I am trying to relearn the craft again.


________


Robert Gabriel, this is for you.

My Autumn

I have abandoned hope a long time ago. 

The thought of loving and being loved,to me, are nothing but scars from my withered past. I have scoured my heart with every jot of thought that may evoke such feeling. 

For two years my doors remained shut and my soul isolated, basking in the cold, deep in the blinding darkness, groping for answers that may detest the validity of love. strangers have tried to shed light and drive the shadows of doubt away. but as the days passed their tenacity to relive my heart, like the sun sinks below the horizon as darkness crept in, waned. 

I have always written, with intense ardor, stories that tell wonders of finding one's other half and people admired me for it. I guess it's true that adept writers are experts in faking emotions. My readers have lost themselves in reading my works yet they do not know that the words used to forge such artifice were pulled out from nothingness and that the heart of the writer himself is iced. 

I read books. I became more clever and cunning. I familiarized myself with knowledge from people who survived their heartbreaks so that I may heal and never engage in such foolishness. I was neither sad nor happy, I was deprived of emotions. everything was black and white. i could see the flowers, the cloudless sky, the tiny pebbles beneath my feet and the faceless crowd that swarms around me but that's all. 

everyday I woke up, wishing I died. 

and then you came. 

you. you, a stranger, who through my eyes of shattered dreams and promises, emerged. 

you, who everyday, with even just a simple hi, has made my heart skip a beat. 

you, who, as the days went by, have searched and pieced together every missing fragment of my heart. 

you, who spoiled me with countless wonderful things, have brought tears of inconceivable joy, happiness I thought I would never feel again. 

you, who promised a love that grows each passing day, made me wake up every morning, teeming with enthusiasm to strive to become a better person. you wiped away every doubt. you restored hope. 

you revived my heart. you're everything I could ever ask for, you are my autumn, and the love of my life.  

i love you 

i love us 

happy 3rd month

442 DAYS OF SUMMER

To my Summer Fin, despite everything, you were still the best. What we had will always be seared in my heart.

The last conversation happened a month ago. I never had the courage to look back and write about it for the thought of excavating, tracing the vestiges and feeling the scars of old, forgotten love, especially when you know it’s true, have and will always bring torment.  In fact, the shrouds of apathy I have weaved for the past days are powerless to stop the tears from trickling down my grief-stricken eyes as right now, I evoke forlorn memories to write this.  

(113)

Me: Yung sinabi mo sa club, in front my of my friends, sinabi mong tayo. Totoo na ba yon? Tayo na ba uli?

Him: Hindi. Bubba sorry, sorry hindi ko pa talaga kaya. Please hintayin mo ko, gusto ko kapag tayo na maayos na ako. Mahal na mahal kita.

(240)

Me: I’m sorry, hindi ko na kaya. I have to think about myself now. Natatakot ako na baka eto ako hihintayin uli kita tapos magkakaron ka nanaman ng bagong boyfriend tapos out of the picture nanaman ako

Him: Please, wala na akong ibang matatakbuhan. Ikaw lang nakakakilala sakin ng buong buo. Alam mo namang hindi ako nakakapagopen ng buong buo sa mga kaibigan natin e. Ikaw lang nakakakilala talaga sakin Elijah, please?

Me: pasalamat ka mahal kita ng sobra.

(442)

Me: I heard you’re leaving for Abu Dhabi. Sorry sa mga nasabi kong nakasakit sayo, nasabi ko lang yun kasi sobrang bitter ko sayo, I mean diba, twice mo kong pinalitan pero you know naman how I love you very much. I hope everything’s turning out well for you; that you get everything you deserve.

Him: Hindi naman ako galit, wala naman akong mapapala kung magtatanim ako ng galit diba? J

Me: Can I see you for the last time?

Him: sige…

(442 ½)

Me: Kamusta?

Him: Okay naman

Me: anong gagawin mo dun?

Him: maghahanap ng work, kinukuha na ko ni mama e

Me: …I still write about you

Him: I don’t know what to say

Me: Uhm, *** I just wanna know why… why did you tell me na mahal mo ko and yet here you are may karelasyon na iba?

Him: tanungin mo sarili mo

Me: ako?

Him: nanghingi ka ng space diba?

Me: oo, nanghingi ako ng space kasi hindi mo alam yung gusto mo. Hindi ka certain sa nararamdaman mo saken kaya I assumed na you needed time to think about what you really want. Wala ka ngang narinig sakin nung unang beses mo sakin sinabi na hindi ka ready pero nagkarelasyon ka.

Him: okay fine, ako na magulo

Me: hindi yun ang ibig ko sabihin. ***, please, I just wanna know why… what happened?

…

Him: May sinabi ba akong ganon? Wala akong maalalang sinabi kong mahal kita.

…

It was an ambush. The knife-like words plunged straight into my already broken heart; crushing every fragment of what remains. I didn't’t survive the attack.

We kept on exchanging petty thoughts for the next half hour but my mind was already lost in an aching reverie. I remained petrified on my seat while he imprudently babbled about his work and friends. I tried complimenting and sharing my thoughts toward them at the same time; talking and talking, arduously ignoring the bits of myself that fell piece by piece on the stoned pavement.

I broke down the moment he stood up and left. I rested my head on the steel table, still being able to see, through my tears of perpetual sorrow, the swarm of holiday lights that hung on palm trees that apparently indicate the merriment, people are supposed to feel this season… at the same place; the same coffee shop where we first met.

Rain

Why does it rain?
Sometimes in torrents
Sometimes in drizzles
Does it tell of a sadness outpouring
Of my tearless heart throbs and sobbing
That subsides into a dull pain

To the eighth wonder of the world,

          How are you? It's been a long while since the last time I've laid eyes on you. I see that you're happy with your new lover now. When I saw that picture of you two online, I saw the same gleam your eyes had when we first dated. He seems like a smart and sensible guy. I wish I could be happy for you, well, not that I'm not, it's just that hiding my jealousy under a shroud of denial, pangs my already broken heart even more.

          Nothing significant has changed about me. I still teach and choreograph, sometimes I write but really seldom. My feelings for you haven't changed either. My love and passion have not withered even through the passage of time. I've spent countless of sleepless nights; counting eternal minutes for the promise of your return. But sadly, at those last moments just before I shut my weary eyes, I am reminded of an inconsolable truth: you are not coming back.

          I could still vividly remember our last night together. You were tired that time that's why you fell asleep right away. I, on the other hand, was up all night watching you lie in deep slumber; running my fingers through the strands of your short and kinky hair, indulging in that strong and manly scent of your perfume that I've always loved and feeling the warmth of our naked bodies,like dying embers on wrinkled logs by the fireplace. Having you near me was heaven, I just couldn't ask for more.

          But that memory is just a fragment; a piece from an entire archive of memoirs scattered across a secret place in my heart where I have kept you hidden all this time. I did not throw any of them away for, although it brought nothing but inconceivable torment, it has helped me keep my sanity.

          Do you touch him like the way you used to touch me? Do you say "I love you" to him like the way you used to say it to me? Do you write about him on your little journal like you used to write about me? I wrote these questions on a tearstained paper. I never had the courage to look for the answers so I'm left with these perennial horrors that haunt me in my sleep.

          I guess this is how you know when you really love the person. You keep on loving them secretly regardless of how painful and tiresome the journey has been. My darling, my love, my calm waters and my woodland dove, I love you now and forever. What we have will always be seared in my heart. Take care of yourself, I'll always be here for you.

                                                                                                                          Love, Elijah

Happy Anniversary

I wonder how you are, I wonder if you're still the same... If you're still the same boy that I used to know.

I could still vividly remember our last kiss, remember how I was watching you walk up that bus till you're gone, even watched the bus leave thinking that that was the love of my life saying goodbye. I could still remember our little fights that turn into endless cuddling coz well, you were a capricorn, you're bipolar and your mood swings always gets in my nerve (but it's fine, i loved every bit of you)

I've been dreaming about how it's gonna be like the next time I see you, the next time we hug and kiss each other; fantasizing about the days we used to have. Remember when you'd just go to my place and watch movies and then sleep, and then watch some more movies, eat and then sleep again? I couldn't ask for more. I was complete. I was contented just having you there.

I miss you, like crazy. I know we live two separate lives now and it sucks. I know I can't make you go here but if I could I would. I understand completely why you wouldn't, I understand why you're mad. I get it and I'm sorry. I wish you'd get my side of the story, I wish you could understand why I'm here. I still talk about you, a lot... to everyone. Sometimes I still cry when I hear sad songs, sometimes I can't help but feel lonely whenever I see couples around. I tried turning all my love to anger, I tried ignoring and forgetting everyone but all of it didn't work.

I love you like I have from the start and I probably will like I do now. I hope everything is turning out the way you always expected them to be; that you get everything you deserve.

I hope he takes good care of you. I hope he'll put up with all your mood swings and find your craziness cute.

yesterday's supposed to be our first year, october 1st.

october 1 2012
we were having breakfast at silya when the waiter came up to me and said "sir, the guy from the other table is asking if you're single" I was about to answer him when you stood up and told him "he's not single, i'm his boyfriend". my jaw dropped in shock as I watch you utter those words. you looked at our friend in tears and confessed to him your love for me. I was the happiest person that day.

WALKING AWAY

This story is dedicated to the following:

Chrisrose Panotes

Gerard Stephen Garcia

Meg De Guzman

Geneva Antonio
My bestfriend, Christian Vasquez

My brother, Ezekiel Caguioa

And to those who have basked under the merciless hand of love.

This is a work of fiction; anything related to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

A roller coaster of emotions; a story of selfless and unreturned love. Ryan have loved Keith with all his heart, he has suffered countless of heartbreak in their ephemeral love affair. Ryan was adamant in his determination to face every hardship just so he could win Keith’s heart. Love is selfless, love is enduring but what happens when you get tired of loving? How do you face a loveless love affair?

WALKING AWAY

“How do you live when the very reason for living, leaves you?”

“It’s not you, it’s me. I love you but we need this space.” are the knife like words that plunged right into Ryan’s heart leaving him petrified on his seat. Keith continued to explain not realizing that the person he is talking to is somehow lost in an aching trance. No words dared to escape Ryan’s lips, the invisible blows kept him silent. He tried to keep himself together, not wanting to make a scene as they remained seated inside their favorite coffee shop. 

10/12/12

“love, ano yan?” Ryan asked “ano, uhm Belgian waffles, hindi mo pa ba natikman to? Masarap kaya.”  Keith said as he took a slice and gently placed it on Ryan’s plate. “I love you, love,” Keith whispered. They were happy.

 Ryan felt his knees shaking; he looked down and made a soft sobbing sound. Unfortunately, his strength was not enough to seize his tears as it began streaming down his cheeks.

They would always meet at the coffee shop; spend about an hour or two before Keith goes to work. Ryan knew how stressful Keith’s job was so he always made sure to at least see him before his shift. Ryan and Keith shared the same set of friends. One night, beneath the cloudless sky, on the same table, under the conspiracy of the whole universe… they were introduced. The coffee tables were placed adjacent to a man-made lagoon surrounded by bamboo trees protruding from a thin sheet of grass and pebbles. The couple just loved it there. The ambiance was serene, its landscape was paradise. 

Keith stood up “I need to go may pasok pa ko” Ryan felt his heart breaking inside his chest. He wanted to grab his arm and beg for him to stay but he knew that it would only make him uncomfortable. “…okay, take care.” are the only words that he could utter. 

As Keith started to fade in a distance, Ryan remained hushed on his seat watching his whole world collapse before him.

They are both are total opposites. Keith is thrifty and practical while Ryan has no concept of saving. They would always argue whenever Ryan fails to finish his meal.

“Love, ubusin mo yung pagkain mo nagsasayang ka nanaman e.”

“Eh busog na kasi ako”

“Eh bakit ka kasi kumuha ng marami diba?”

“oo na, uubusin na po”

               Keith is secretive and soft-spoken while Ryan’s tact, straight to the point and brutally honest. Even movies and television shows were an issue since Ryan enjoys anime and cartoons while Keith doesn’t. Their list of opposites goes a long way. They argue most of the time even because of the simplest things. However, one thing they loved about each other was the fact that they just can’t let the sun go down without settling things right. They loved each other deeply.

The sun retreated. Nightfall began to creep in. Ryan stood up, gathered his things and started walking. He walked the dim lighted pavement slowly. Each step bore pain words would not suffice to convey. The street was filled with the sound of glee coming from a group of friends who watched a movie, couples sitting by the fountain and parents playing with their children. He was surrounded by smiling faces, colorful lights and happy souls yet he did not see any of this. All he saw was the pain of going home, sleeping alone, being tortured in his dreams and waking up to face the same ache the next day. Ryan continued walking, the cold evening breeze caressing his skin. He remained stuck in an unbearably painful daze, clueless of how to rebuild his shattered world.