AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME II

I decided to walk home by myself after the party. The street lights dimly lit the narrow, stone pavement that lead to my apartment. I tucked my hands inside my leather jacket's pockets as I felt the cold, winter breeze chase me all around the dark alleys; chasing... haunting... calling my name... just like the chest of shattered hopes and dreams trying to claw its way out from the abyss where I have buried it for the past few days. 

My friends took me to a karaoke place that night. It was a warm and cozy little club with colorful lights of red, blue, yellow and green fluttering in the air like summertime butterflies. Mirrors, adorned with floral curves and swirls, were installed on the walls making the small, asian-inspired hub, spacious. 

The place was half filled. On our left was a table with adults celebrating a birthday, while three loud couples were drinking on our right. It was supposed to be a happy night until people started taking turns with the music requests and the sing alongs.

I initiated taking pictures of me and my friends, trying my best to ignore the mushy songs that I was certain, would do nothing but flood my head with unwanted memories. But i failed. I kept a fake smile plastered on my face as the lyrics: 

"you said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away. From the look upon your face I see it's true."

from that stupid, insensitive son of a bitch singing on the ledge, resonated in my ear.

"so tell me all about it, tell me all the plans you're making."

The crucifix continued but I kept myself together because I didnt want to be the broken asshole who'll jeopardize the evening. 

Moments after posting my friend and I's picture on instagram, my ex, the reason for all this aching, messaged me:

"So you are trying to hurt me by doing this and posting stuff like that... If you're indeed doing all of this on purpose, and youre not going to tell me otherwise, then I really did make the right decision and also want nothing more to do with you. You are messy."

"I'M A MESS BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME! PUTANGINA MO PALA EH, ANG KAPAL MO NAMAN NA IIWAN AKO, MAKIKIPAGSEX KA SA IBANG TAO, AY WAIT, SABI MO NGA, BJ NGA LANG YON HINDI SEX, MAG I-I LOVE YOU KA SAKEN PERO HINDI KA BABALIK. ANO, GUSTO MO HIHINTAYIN KITA HABANG MAY KINIKITA KA NA IBANG TAO?TAPOS MAGMEMESSAGE KA NGAYON NG KUNG ANU ANONG SHIT KAHIT ALAM MO NAMAN NA MAGKAIBIGAN LANG TALAGA KAME! YOU SAID YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT ME? WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT ME WHEN YOU UNDRESSED AND MADE OUT WITH HIM? WAS I ON YOUR MIND WHEN HE EXPLORED YOUR BODY WITH HIS TONGUE? WHEN YOU CARESSED EACH OTHER? TELL ME! PUTANGINA MO, PUTANGINA NINYONG DALAWA MAGSAMA KAYO!"

I wanted to respond so bad but telling him all this would not change anything but induce more pain and destruction.

I reached home after the 10 minute stroll that what seemed to be an eternity. I didn't bring home anything from the night out except a reminder of broken vows of everlasting love and fidelity, the dreams that will never be fulfilled, unsaid words and unanswered questions, regret, pain and emptiness. Two years of bridging oceans and conquering distances, of breaking long distance relationship stereotypes and setting new standards, of togetherness, bliss and struggles, of forgiveness and acceptance, of trust and of growing together, all destroyed in a matter of weeks. 

Moments before I shut my eyes I broke the promise I swore to myself - to never check both of your instagram accounts.

I felt my heart fell off my chest. Its glued fragments, bits that scattered before which I picked up and pieced together, broke against the silver tiles as I read the caption referring to a bouquet of pink roses that you gave him.

Sobs of defeat and betrayal turned into rage and bitterness, that slowly subsided into a dull pain and apathy.

I stared blankly at the ceiling, wide awake for the next hour until deep breaths and soft whispers of "You are strong, you can do this." put my tired eyes to sleep.