Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Thoughts of the broken.

12/24/12
"bubba sorry, mahal na mahal kita pero hindi pa lang talaga ako ready magcommit uli. Please bubba, please hintayin mo ko saglit lang. gusto ko kapag naging tayo ulit pwede na kitang mahalin ng buong buo, yung maibibigay ko na yung 100% ko. Sorry napakaselfish kong tao"

12/30/12
"mahal na mahal kita pero I have to let you go kasi ayaw kong nahihirapan ka lang dahil sakin."

01/02/13
"sorry, sorry kung hindi ko mapanindigan yung pagmamahal ko sa'yo. hindi ko lang talaga kayang maging unfair, sorry dahil napakaselfish ko. Ayokong umasa pero hindi ko mapigilan na mag hope na sana kapag ready na ako nanjan ka parin."

01/03/13
"kinain ko lang lahat ng sinabi ko, hindi ko pala kaya, hindi kita kayang mawala. masaya na ako sa ganito. mahal na mahal kita bubba"

01/05/13
"please stop it na mahal na mahal kita pero nahihirapan ako sa ganitong set up. Oo kasalanan ko to. Ako ang nagdesisyon nito, ayaw ko na nagkakaganyan ka dahil sa akin. Tang ina ako lang naman ang may problema e kaya ayaw kitang idamay sa problema ko. mahal na mhal kita, letting go of the person who loves me the most ay mahirap gawin , sobrang sakit sa akin na pakawalan ka pero dapat e kasi hindi ko mapanindigan yung love ko. Mag ingat ka parati, alam mo na ang gagawin mo, bye."


You said you're not ready, you said you need time, yet here I am sitting in front of my computer staring on a picture of you, smiling as you hold someone else's hand. I feel tricked. Ang bilis mo naman akong palitan. Am I not good enough? Am I not "gwapo" enough? You told our friends that it was very hard for you to move on and that you want to be happy now. Why? Am I not doing that? Were my efforts lacking? You said you love me yet with the same breath you exchange sweet nothings with him! I gave up everything for you, I endured every heartache, I even loved you more than myself. 

I feel lifeless. My friends tell me to go look for someone else to lavish my love on but dear, I'm all out of love to give. I tried to be vain and bitter just to kill all the unwanted hopes of having you back but being angry is something I can't do (because I love you). Although I've tried to put you out of my mind, I still can't help but look back and savor the wonders of having you.

I just love you so much, so much that seeing you happy without me aches. 

I have never loved any person in my life this much. Although what happened is something I think I will never understand, there's one thing I know I am sure of: your happiness is more important than mine. If you think you're better of without me, who am I to stop you from leaving. 

---

Putting in these thoughts together, looking back on those bittersweet words you uttered renewed all the pain and anguish I have tried forgetting. I guess, for me to attain absolute acceptance, I must not run away from what hurts but face it head on. 

It's so hard that when the person you built your hopes and dreams around would just walk away and you being the one left behind, remain shattered, clueless of how to rebuild your life again. 

I wish moving on is just as simple as saying it. 

I wish I was strong enough to just let it all go.

I wish... 

you and I could be together again.

###

This post is just for the sake of letting everything out. Sorry for the grammatical errors.






10 comments:

Senyor Iskwater said...

awww.... i feel you... tsk... no words can actually comfort a broken heart... been there... d masaya...

but....there's always a light at the end of the tunnel so kapit lang... this too shall pass...ganun...

88-Nutty Thoughts-88 said...

mahal daw pero ayaw ng commitment?

wahahahaha...

anglakas maka-b.s. nun!!!

:)

Mac Callister said...

Makakahanap ka din ng mas deserving sa panahon at pagmamahal mo...soon. Moving on is not easy, confront all your pains, it will make u stronger :-)

ELAY said...

@senyor: actually narealize ko po na mas maganda at mas magaan sa feeling yung hindi ko siya iniisip. :) yun din ung pinanghahawakan ko, this too shall pass :)

@nutty: TOTOO YANG B.S. NA YAN hahaah pero okay lang po, ganon talaga siguro hindi naman natin kailangan maintindihan lahat :)

@Mac: yan din po sabi ng friends ko, and actually writing this is prolly one of my ways to confront it. mejo okay naman na po ako, slamat :)

hana banana said...

amazed ako sa'yo kc, kahit sya ang nang-iwan, hindi ka nagalit sa kanya bagkus ay you still wish to have this person back...

amazing ang love mo and you should not regret anything ...coz this happened for a reason for sure...

you will get better soon...

kapit lang...

;)

eArL... said...

Ayayay. Oks lang yan lilipuas din yan. Bata ka pa naman. Madami pa darating na mas pa sa nakaraan. Pagdating ng araw masasabi mo sa sarili mo mas maganda pa pala nangyari sayo. Hang on there...

ELAY said...

@Hana: Thank you :') ganon talaga e, actually nung sunday lang nakita ko siya. sobrang saya niya.. i wanted to just come up to him, to hug him and kiss him kaso hindi na pwede.. and i know all i can do is be happy for him dahil masaya na siya


@Earl: thank you earl :) pinipilit ko, kumakapit ako :)

Marichu Bajado said...

Oh my gee! May iba na siya. I can't believe this. Nanalig pa naman akong magiging okay ang lahat. Ouch.

But, as I have said before... maybe this is a sign. Aja, Elay. We should keep on moving!

glentot said...

Huy! Oo kilala ko si Kuya Christian. Ka-office ko sya. At parang nakita kita nung tinuturuan mo sila ng sayaw sa pantry. Ikaw yung naka-spaghetti straps... jk nakasando na nagtuturo ng sayaw diba?

ELAY said...

@Marich: nanalig din ako e pero ayun, he chose to give me that "it's not you it's me" bullshit.

@glen: hahaha kuya never ako nagspageti sa pagkakatanda ko hahaha pero ako nga po yun.