WALKING AWAY

This story is dedicated to the following:

Chrisrose Panotes

Gerard Stephen Garcia

Meg De Guzman

Geneva Antonio
My bestfriend, Christian Vasquez

My brother, Ezekiel Caguioa

And to those who have basked under the merciless hand of love.

This is a work of fiction; anything related to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

A roller coaster of emotions; a story of selfless and unreturned love. Ryan have loved Keith with all his heart, he has suffered countless of heartbreak in their ephemeral love affair. Ryan was adamant in his determination to face every hardship just so he could win Keith’s heart. Love is selfless, love is enduring but what happens when you get tired of loving? How do you face a loveless love affair?

WALKING AWAY

“How do you live when the very reason for living, leaves you?”

“It’s not you, it’s me. I love you but we need this space.” are the knife like words that plunged right into Ryan’s heart leaving him petrified on his seat. Keith continued to explain not realizing that the person he is talking to is somehow lost in an aching trance. No words dared to escape Ryan’s lips, the invisible blows kept him silent. He tried to keep himself together, not wanting to make a scene as they remained seated inside their favorite coffee shop. 

10/12/12

“love, ano yan?” Ryan asked “ano, uhm Belgian waffles, hindi mo pa ba natikman to? Masarap kaya.”  Keith said as he took a slice and gently placed it on Ryan’s plate. “I love you, love,” Keith whispered. They were happy.

 Ryan felt his knees shaking; he looked down and made a soft sobbing sound. Unfortunately, his strength was not enough to seize his tears as it began streaming down his cheeks.

They would always meet at the coffee shop; spend about an hour or two before Keith goes to work. Ryan knew how stressful Keith’s job was so he always made sure to at least see him before his shift. Ryan and Keith shared the same set of friends. One night, beneath the cloudless sky, on the same table, under the conspiracy of the whole universe… they were introduced. The coffee tables were placed adjacent to a man-made lagoon surrounded by bamboo trees protruding from a thin sheet of grass and pebbles. The couple just loved it there. The ambiance was serene, its landscape was paradise. 

Keith stood up “I need to go may pasok pa ko” Ryan felt his heart breaking inside his chest. He wanted to grab his arm and beg for him to stay but he knew that it would only make him uncomfortable. “…okay, take care.” are the only words that he could utter. 

As Keith started to fade in a distance, Ryan remained hushed on his seat watching his whole world collapse before him.

They are both are total opposites. Keith is thrifty and practical while Ryan has no concept of saving. They would always argue whenever Ryan fails to finish his meal.

“Love, ubusin mo yung pagkain mo nagsasayang ka nanaman e.”

“Eh busog na kasi ako”

“Eh bakit ka kasi kumuha ng marami diba?”

“oo na, uubusin na po”

               Keith is secretive and soft-spoken while Ryan’s tact, straight to the point and brutally honest. Even movies and television shows were an issue since Ryan enjoys anime and cartoons while Keith doesn’t. Their list of opposites goes a long way. They argue most of the time even because of the simplest things. However, one thing they loved about each other was the fact that they just can’t let the sun go down without settling things right. They loved each other deeply.

The sun retreated. Nightfall began to creep in. Ryan stood up, gathered his things and started walking. He walked the dim lighted pavement slowly. Each step bore pain words would not suffice to convey. The street was filled with the sound of glee coming from a group of friends who watched a movie, couples sitting by the fountain and parents playing with their children. He was surrounded by smiling faces, colorful lights and happy souls yet he did not see any of this. All he saw was the pain of going home, sleeping alone, being tortured in his dreams and waking up to face the same ache the next day. Ryan continued walking, the cold evening breeze caressing his skin. He remained stuck in an unbearably painful daze, clueless of how to rebuild his shattered world. 

Awakening

You're back...

The love I buried deep in the abyss of forlorn memories were awakened and excavated before you. 

Our friends kept holding me back. Nasty stories of you was laid on my table yet all of them I ignored. 

Your simple "good morning po, I'm on my way home :)" messages brought inconceivable joy.

The day I tasted your kiss

The day I held your hand

The day I wrapped you in my arms

Felt sweeter than it was before

Everything seemed to be our first

The night you rushed into my house, sat with me and cried because your lover hurt you

I couldn't help but feel the pain

All I wanted to do

was protect you

show you that you are loved

that after all this time

after all that had happened

I will always be that one person who will love you no matter what

...

where this is heading remains uncertain

you're confused

you're struggling with yourself

so I'll leave you for your sanity

until everything gets better

...

my love

I may seem distant

but I tell you

whenever you feel weak

I will always be your strength

I love you

...

"If you truly loved someone, regardless of how long and tiresome some things are; regardless of all the hurt you may have felt; regardless of everything else in between, you would still stay, truly, madly and deeply in love. Nothing has changed, nothing ever will be." -Dan Christian Basanes

...

Folks, I haven't written anything in ages, forgive me if certain parts of this post seem fickle. 

Acceptance

I'm tired

It's been a month since the night my whole world fell apart (the world I built around you).

Remember the little fights we had that would later on turn to an exchange of unending sweetness?

Remember how you used to dance in front me when we're at the club and I'd just laugh at you coz you looked really cute and funny? (not to mention you were always off beat lol)

Remember how we'd always laugh while making love because we just loved experimenting? (over share, hey guys this is my blog soooo yea I can do whatever I want :p)

I used to think that turning all my unrequited love into strands of inconceivable anger would somehow mend the shattered remnants of my heart. I was wrong. I'm done with all the bitterness (sawa na ko mag ulam ng ampalaya araw araw hahaha) 

I'm done asking myself questions like "am I not worth it?", "am I not gwapo enough?" and all those shit lol.

I was again reminded of how moving on really takes time. I thought about finding another lover but I guess that wouldn't cure my miseries either. 

I loved you, I really did. 

For the last time I'll just look back and savor how it was to be with you. 

One last look before I close this chapter in my life. 

No, I'm not gonna cry.

I'm over that don't worry.

I could finally say that I have accepted everything

For now I'll just focus on loving myself. 

My love, I'm ending this chapter with a brave smile :)

###

P.S.
take good care of yourself

Thoughts of the broken.

12/24/12

"bubba sorry, mahal na mahal kita pero hindi pa lang talaga ako ready magcommit uli. Please bubba, please hintayin mo ko saglit lang. gusto ko kapag naging tayo ulit pwede na kitang mahalin ng buong buo, yung maibibigay ko na yung 100% ko. Sorry napakaselfish kong tao"

12/30/12

"mahal na mahal kita pero I have to let you go kasi ayaw kong nahihirapan ka lang dahil sakin."

01/02/13

"sorry, sorry kung hindi ko mapanindigan yung pagmamahal ko sa'yo. hindi ko lang talaga kayang maging unfair, sorry dahil napakaselfish ko. Ayokong umasa pero hindi ko mapigilan na mag hope na sana kapag ready na ako nanjan ka parin."

01/03/13

"kinain ko lang lahat ng sinabi ko, hindi ko pala kaya, hindi kita kayang mawala. masaya na ako sa ganito. mahal na mahal kita bubba"

01/05/13

"please stop it na mahal na mahal kita pero nahihirapan ako sa ganitong set up. Oo kasalanan ko to. Ako ang nagdesisyon nito, ayaw ko na nagkakaganyan ka dahil sa akin. Tang ina ako lang naman ang may problema e kaya ayaw kitang idamay sa problema ko. mahal na mhal kita, letting go of the person who loves me the most ay mahirap gawin , sobrang sakit sa akin na pakawalan ka pero dapat e kasi hindi ko mapanindigan yung love ko. Mag ingat ka parati, alam mo na ang gagawin mo, bye."

You said you're not ready, you said you need time, yet here I am sitting in front of my computer staring on a picture of you, smiling as you hold someone else's hand. I feel tricked. Ang bilis mo naman akong palitan. Am I not good enough? Am I not "gwapo" enough? You told our friends that it was very hard for you to move on and that you want to be happy now. Why? Am I not doing that? Were my efforts lacking? You said you love me yet with the same breath you exchange sweet nothings with him! I gave up everything for you, I endured every heartache, I even loved you more than myself. 

I feel lifeless. My friends tell me to go look for someone else to lavish my love on but dear, I'm all out of love to give. I tried to be vain and bitter just to kill all the unwanted hopes of having you back but being angry is something I can't do (because I love you). Although I've tried to put you out of my mind, I still can't help but look back and savor the wonders of having you.

I just love you so much, so much that seeing you happy without me aches. 

I have never loved any person in my life this much. Although what happened is something I think I will never understand, there's one thing I know I am sure of: your happiness is more important than mine. If you think you're better of without me, who am I to stop you from leaving. 

---

Putting in these thoughts together, looking back on those bittersweet words you uttered renewed all the pain and anguish I have tried forgetting. I guess, for me to attain absolute acceptance, I must not run away from what hurts but face it head on. 

It's so hard that when the person you built your hopes and dreams around would just walk away and you being the one left behind, remain shattered, clueless of how to rebuild your life again. 

I wish moving on is just as simple as saying it. 

I wish I was strong enough to just let it all go.

I wish... 

you and I could be together again.

###

This post is just for the sake of letting everything out. Sorry for the grammatical errors.

Confessions of a Forbidden Love II

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

It was utterly unexpected

...

I was doing well, basking in the pleasures of my serene world; a world shared between me and my lover

My lover was love in its most flawless form 

The way that he would press his lips against mine

The way that he would run his fingers through the strands of my hair

The way that he would fill my heart with very special things

Had me falling for him even more

...

And then you came

You

You made me do foolish things

You made me set my priorities aside

You made me ignore my obligations

And yet

You showed me love

Love so strong that it broke through the walls my sanctuary

Love that transfigured my perceptions of what a perfect lover is

Love that I knew I cannot not live without

You

You're the one I would love to spend my forever with

...

But darling there is a time for everything

And now is not ours 

It's breaking my heart

It's torturing my soul

The lone thought of you drifting away

The thought of you not being mine

Perhaps there will be another time for us

And when it comes

We will stand on each other's doorstep 

Confessing a love once forbidden

...

"I'll be saving love songs and lullabies and there's so much more that no one's ever heard before. Something's telling me it might be you, all of my life"

Confessions of a forbidden love

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

(1)

I first saw you from a distance. Your eyes were scrutinizing the caliber of my craft. I saw you laughing, your giggles brought me paranoia. You were cocky and I hate you.

(2)

It was the night we first conversed. The way you picked and weaved your words together became music to my ears. I found out that we're both writers. It made me like you. 

(3)

You showed me to your world, your "repressed" world. You unveiled your true self and I loved every bit of it. Your literary darlings, I treasured them. Underneath your manly tattoos I saw the gentle, fragile and the hopeless romantic you. It made me like you even more. 

(4)

I showed you mine. The things that prowl behind my blinding mask, the skeletons and caskets I buried to oblivion were excavated before you. You met my friends, you loved them and they loved you back. There was no point in denying, I started to fall for you.

(...)

(8)

My love for you failed to conceal itself. You were witty. Your fancy theories and ways somehow found a way to divulge the secret I've been struggling to put out of sight. As my fingers shook constantly, my mouth began to utter a confession. "I'm falling for you". Your eyes, your face... they revealed none. You said you're confused. That somewhere deep in your heart you feel something yet your brain that relies on the norms tells you that it's wrong. fuck the norms! 

"I am confused, I have a lot of questions yet one thing for me remains certain... I am happy with you"

I was scared; in fact I was beyond scare. Professing love towards someone who thinks that this certain kind of affection is forbidding frightened me. I was afraid... of losing you.

(8 1/2)

"Just promise me after this night, nothing will change."

"I promise"

(9)

Everything changed. My calls and messages were not returned. My mind was racing, thoughts of your absence tortured my soul. Up to this point in time, you remain hushed. What happened? Should I brace myself for a horrific end? Why can't it be the two of us? I -- I just hope you would let your heart feel what your eyes refuse to see.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction, the author's still trying to convince himself though. 

Thoughts VI

It's been a long while and it seems like you've gone a long way.

There you were, on that same spot where I first laid eyes on you. You were busy talking to your friends, exchanging hugs and kisses. You turned out to be more beautiful since the last time I saw you. At first I wanted to turn back and walk away but something in me wanted to know how you're doing.

"Uhm, Hi... how are you? It's been a year" As I stare blankly towards your expressionless face, images from our past began to reel on my mind.

The memories I kept in a casket buried deep in the depths of my oblivious head, somehow crawled its way up to where we stood.

Do you remember how I used to bring you roses on our special days? 

How about the letters I stayed up all night just to write?

Do you remember the feeling when all we had to do was walk aimlessly and let time fly?

Do you remember... sitting beneath the cloudless sky, the moon's pulsating beam illuminating our very shadows as we indulge ourselves in exchanging fantasies of what our life together would be like. My soft lips gently pressed against yours; my fingers smoothing the strands of your chestnut hair, Do you remember any of it?

It's sad though, how I lacked the courage to say to you every memoir that was summoned in my head. I knew you've gone far. I knew the pain you've had to overcome; the pain that kept you up all night weeping and searching for answers. The pain.... I inflicted.

If only I have the power to go back in time and correct my wrongs just so I could keep you wrapped in my arms, I would've done it. If only I was wise enough to know the fruits of my shortcomings, I would have been more cautious. If only I kept myself in love in times when I was about to fall out it...

Your eyes looked away as I tried to share a tale.

"Elijah, I hope you understand"
"... uhm, of course! I'm sorry"
"You know, one thing I don't get is that I'm not mad at you for breaking my heart. I don't know why but I guess we really don't need to understand everything right?"
"...right"
"...uhm, take care of yourself"
"yes, you too."

In my head was a whisper "My darling, I shouldn't have let you walk out my door"

P.S.
Our entire love story's written here on my blog, search for thoughts 1-5 it's there. If you've been following me since 2010, you'll know this one.