"He just said he didn't want to do it anymore" Ryan sighed, expressionless. His eyes, hollow, soulless.
"He said he didn't want to do it? that's it?" Corazon exclaimed in disbelief, slamming her hands on the antique table, almost catching everyone's attention in the French Cafe they were seated in.
Ryan looked up and stared at Corazon. Her face was bursting with rage yet her eyes radiated compassion and empathy.
"Yes, just like that" He replied.
She reached for his hand and cupped it in hers, trying to calm underneath his untroubled aura.
"I'm sorry babe, you did not deserve that." She whispered.
There was no storm. there were no tears to shed and no broken heart to piece together... only nothingness and barely-healed wounds.
July 31, 12:38pm
"One day, we will live together forever and I will look after you in health and in sickness. I love you."
Under any circumstances, Ryan would have fallen in love with Joseph's sweet ensemble of words but Gabriel, his great love, had already destroyed him. He knew that Joseph would leave just like the others. Ryan saved himself this time. He knew that he can never trust any man again.
"I'm okay, it's just a scratch." Ryan uttered as he placed the turquoise, porcelain teacup on the saucer.
He yearned for long drives; looking for drive-thrus, taking car selfies and singing wildly to pop songs, hearts bursting with laughter, hands held and fingers intertwined.
He dreamed of warm and cozy nights; snuggled in bed, nestled in each other's arms, glued on Netflix while binge eating. His lover running his fingers through the strands of his hair as he gently planted kisses on his forehead.
He fantasized getting drunk at a club, dancing foolishly at the center with his partner, eyes fixed at each other's gaze as the noise muffled and the crowd faded in the background.
He envisioned trivial quarrels that blossomed into fierce lovemaking, bodies naked covered in kisses, minds blank and hearts full.
Corazon stood up and sat beside Ryan "look at me" She said as she wrapped her arm around him. "I hope you find someone who will respect your feelings".
But the fire in his has ebbed.
His grew cynical and callous. He refused to feel and open up again.
Ryan retreated to an emotional fortress where no one can touch him again.
"Yeah I guess" He replied with a casual smirk.
Friday, June 30, 2017
“ikaw ang pag-ibig, sa araw at gabi..."
(You are the love as the sun rises 'til it sets)
My heart recalls
"ikaw ang pag-asang tanglaw sa dilim"
(You are the hope that sheds light in the dark)
In the freezing hostile nights
There I was, carving words of joy
Yet breathing still, unbroken
"napapawi ang hirap at pighati"
(it soothes the difficulty and sorrow)
My heart was frozen
Your love was fire
It purged my soul
Of all its fears and doubts
I felt whole, alive
"langit ang buhay sa tuwing ika'y hahagkan, anong ligaya sa tuwing ika'y mamasdan"
(life is heaven with you, what joy it is to set my eyes on you)
My heart was overjoyed
Love flowed from its veins
And filled its beating chambers
It moved firmly and quietly
I was whole and alive
"sa piling mo, ang gabi'y tila araw, ikaw ang pangarap, ikay lamang"
(with you, the evenings are mornings, you are my dream, you alone.)
In you I find solace
My day and night
My breathtaking sunrise
My tranquil evening sky
With you I have purpose
I am whole and alive
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
They looked at him with inquisitive eyes; waiting for a spark that would illuminate the depths of his soul.
"If you really did love him, why didn't you fight for him? why didn't you beg when he decided to leave?"
He took a deep breath, leaned back and puffed his last cigarette as he veered away and threw his gaze up the starless sky; subtly attempting to recollect the events that transpired about two years ago.
"you know..." he felt a sudden pang in his heart as the words reluctantly escaped his lips -a dull pain which he managed to conceal behind a casual smirk.
"wouldn't it be selfish if you force someone to stay and love you kahit na hindi ka na nila kayang mahalin?"
"kasi diba..." They watched his pupils dilate -a subconscious sign of readiness of love yet through them they saw defeat and emptiness. Love and sorrow -it was a paradox in its cruelest form. "kapag mahal mo, dapat kung saan siya sasaya?"
He noticed the quizzical expression on their faces. "was the feeling suicidal?" They both asked.
In a swift second, he once again plunged into the maggot broth of forlorn memories. "masakit..." He whispered. "na kahit ikamatay ko pa, kung sa paraang iyon ay mabubuhay siya..." he paused and let out an insignificant breath "magpapakamatay na lang ako."
"do you still..." They hesitated. Both of his friends knew the severity of their question
His vigorous love for him has stood the passage of time. It was the kind of love that was silent and self-sacrificing yet unrelenting. The seventh wonder of the world, his sun and moon, the love of his life, his habibi, will never come back and with that he is certain. Be that as it may, he still made an irrevocable decision to keep loving until the last teardrop falls; until the next phase of the moon, until the dying embers in his heart burn out.
He saw the colors of the sun's glow in the horizon; the spectrum it threw at the great divide. The evening had ended in a nostalgic twilight. And through his eyes of perpetual sorrow, he looked at his friends..
"yes, i still do."
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
So that is how it feels like... to hear the person you love weep over the man he had replaced you with.
Like unsharpened knives cutting your heart open, its dull edges prolonging the process inflicting more pain and suffering.
Blood gushes each passing moment, every sob takes the blade deeper.
You stay and endure the ache
just so his heart and soul wouldn't break
His tears eventually lulls him to sleep
and you, you my friend, will be nothing more but a mere sponge who willingly absorbed his burden out of sheer stupidity.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
He yearned for long drives
for lazy mornings and warm nights
he longed for slow dances
underneath the black, moonlit canvas
to the rhythm of unspoken vows
of eternal love and fidelity
he craved for petty quarrels
that blossomed into fierce love making
which left nothing but gentle kisses
and intertwined souls caressed by the cold autumn breeze
he dreamed of discovering new worlds
getting lost in a labyrinth strangers and skyscrapers
unafraid of wandering too far
for you, his home, is with him.
but just as dreams dissolve at the crack of dawn
so did his
he looked in the mirror and saw the void on his chest
the nothingness that engulfed the remaining fragments of his heart
"the pain is debilitating" he thought
he retreated into an emotional fortress where no one could touch him again.