Tuesday, December 24, 2013


To my Summer Fin, despite everything, you were still the best. What we had will always be seared in my heart.

The last conversation happened a month ago. I never had the courage to look back and write about it for the thought of excavating, tracing the vestiges and feeling the scars of old, forgotten love, especially when you know it’s true, have and will always bring torment.  In fact, the shrouds of apathy I have weaved for the past days are powerless to stop the tears from trickling down my grief-stricken eyes as right now, I evoke forlorn memories to write this.  


Me: Yung sinabi mo sa club, in front my of my friends, sinabi mong tayo. Totoo na ba yon? Tayo na ba uli?

Him: Hindi. Bubba sorry, sorry hindi ko pa talaga kaya. Please hintayin mo ko, gusto ko kapag tayo na maayos na ako. Mahal na mahal kita.


Me: I’m sorry, hindi ko na kaya. I have to think about myself now. Natatakot ako na baka eto ako hihintayin uli kita tapos magkakaron ka nanaman ng bagong boyfriend tapos out of the picture nanaman ako

Him: Please, wala na akong ibang matatakbuhan. Ikaw lang nakakakilala sakin ng buong buo. Alam mo namang hindi ako nakakapagopen ng buong buo sa mga kaibigan natin e. Ikaw lang nakakakilala talaga sakin Elijah, please?

Me: pasalamat ka mahal kita ng sobra.


Me: I heard you’re leaving for Abu Dhabi. Sorry sa mga nasabi kong nakasakit sayo, nasabi ko lang yun kasi sobrang bitter ko sayo, I mean diba, twice mo kong pinalitan pero you know naman how I love you very much. I hope everything’s turning out well for you; that you get everything you deserve.

Him: Hindi naman ako galit, wala naman akong mapapala kung magtatanim ako ng galit diba? J
Me: Can I see you for the last time?

Him: sige…

(442 ½)

Me: Kamusta?

Him: Okay naman

Me: anong gagawin mo dun?

Him: maghahanap ng work, kinukuha na ko ni mama e

Me: …I still write about you

Him: I don’t know what to say

Me: Uhm, *** I just wanna know why… why did you tell me na mahal mo ko and yet here you are may karelasyon na iba?

Him: tanungin mo sarili mo

Me: ako?

Him: nanghingi ka ng space diba?

Me: oo, nanghingi ako ng space kasi hindi mo alam yung gusto mo. Hindi ka certain sa nararamdaman mo saken kaya I assumed na you needed time to think about what you really want. Wala ka ngang narinig sakin nung unang beses mo sakin sinabi na hindi ka ready pero nagkarelasyon ka.

Him: okay fine, ako na magulo

Me: hindi yun ang ibig ko sabihin. ***, please, I just wanna know why… what happened?

Him: May sinabi ba akong ganon? Wala akong maalalang sinabi kong mahal kita.

It was an ambush. The knife-like words plunged straight into my already broken heart; crushing every fragment of what remains. I didn't’t survive the attack.

We kept on exchanging petty thoughts for the next half hour but my mind was already lost in an aching reverie. I remained petrified on my seat while he imprudently babbled about his work and friends. I tried complimenting and sharing my thoughts toward them at the same time; talking and talking, arduously ignoring the bits of myself that fell piece by piece on the stoned pavement.

I broke down the moment he stood up and left. I rested my head on the steel table, still being able to see, through my tears of perpetual sorrow, the swarm of holiday lights that hung on palm trees that apparently indicate the merriment, people are supposed to feel this season… at the same place; the same coffee shop where we first met.

Sunday, October 13, 2013


Why does it rain?
Sometimes in torrents
Sometimes in drizzles
Does it tell of a sadness outpouring
Of my tearless heart throbs and sobbing
That subsides into a dull pain

To the eighth wonder of the world,

          How are you? It's been a long while since the last time I've laid eyes on you. I see that you're happy with your new lover now. When I saw that picture of you two online, I saw the same gleam your eyes had when we first dated. He seems like a smart and sensible guy. I wish I could be happy for you, well, not that I'm not, it's just that hiding my jealousy under a shroud of denial, pangs my already broken heart even more.

          Nothing significant has changed about me. I still teach and choreograph, sometimes I write but really seldom. My feelings for you haven't changed either. My love and passion have not withered even through the passage of time. I've spent countless of sleepless nights; counting eternal minutes for the promise of your return. But sadly, at those last moments just before I shut my weary eyes, I am reminded of an inconsolable truth: you are not coming back.

          I could still vividly remember our last night together. You were tired that time that's why you fell asleep right away. I, on the other hand, was up all night watching you lie in deep slumber; running my fingers through the strands of your short and kinky hair, indulging in that strong and manly scent of your perfume that I've always loved and feeling the warmth of our naked bodies,like dying embers on wrinkled logs by the fireplace. Having you near me was heaven, I just couldn't ask for more.

          But that memory is just a fragment; a piece from an entire archive of memoirs scattered across a secret place in my heart where I have kept you hidden all this time. I did not throw any of them away for, although it brought nothing but inconceivable torment, it has helped me keep my sanity.

          Do you touch him like the way you used to touch me? Do you say "I love you" to him like the way you used to say it to me? Do you write about him on your little journal like you used to write about me? I wrote these questions on a tearstained paper. I never had the courage to look for the answers so I'm left with these perennial horrors that haunt me in my sleep.

          I guess this is how you know when you really love the person. You keep on loving them secretly regardless of how painful and tiresome the journey has been. My darling, my love, my calm waters and my woodland dove, I love you now and forever. What we have will always be seared in my heart. Take care of yourself, I'll always be here for you.

                                                                                                                          Love, Elijah

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Happy Anniversary

I wonder how you are, I wonder if you're still the same... If you're still the same boy that I used to know.

I could still vividly remember our last kiss, remember how I was watching you walk up that bus till you're gone, even watched the bus leave thinking that that was the love of my life saying goodbye. I could still remember our little fights that turn into endless cuddling coz well, you were a capricorn, you're bipolar and your mood swings always gets in my nerve (but it's fine, i loved every bit of you)

I've been dreaming about how it's gonna be like the next time I see you, the next time we hug and kiss each other; fantasizing about the days we used to have. Remember when you'd just go to my place and watch movies and then sleep, and then watch some more movies, eat and then sleep again? I couldn't ask for more. I was complete. I was contented just having you there.

I miss you, like crazy. I know we live two separate lives now and it sucks. I know I can't make you go here but if I could I would. I understand completely why you wouldn't, I understand why you're mad. I get it and I'm sorry. I wish you'd get my side of the story, I wish you could understand why I'm here. I still talk about you, a lot... to everyone. Sometimes I still cry when I hear sad songs, sometimes I can't help but feel lonely whenever I see couples around. I tried turning all my love to anger, I tried ignoring and forgetting everyone but all of it didn't work.

I love you like I have from the start and I probably will like I do now. I hope everything is turning out the way you always expected them to be; that you get everything you deserve.

I hope he takes good care of you. I hope he'll put up with all your mood swings and find your craziness cute.

yesterday's supposed to be our first year, october 1st.

october 1 2012
we were having breakfast at silya when the waiter came up to me and said "sir, the guy from the other table is asking if you're single" I was about to answer him when you stood up and told him "he's not single, i'm his boyfriend". my jaw dropped in shock as I watch you utter those words. you looked at our friend in tears and confessed to him your love for me. I was the happiest person that day.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


This story is dedicated to the following:
Chrisrose Panotes
Gerard Stephen Garcia
Meg De Guzman
Geneva Antonio
My bestfriend, Christian Vasquez
My brother, Ezekiel Caguioa
And to those who have basked under the merciless hand of love.

This is a work of fiction; anything related to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

A roller coaster of emotions; a story of selfless and unreturned love. Ryan have loved Keith with all his heart, he has suffered countless of heartbreak in their ephemeral love affair. Ryan was adamant in his determination to face every hardship just so he could win Keith’s heart. Love is selfless, love is enduring but what happens when you get tired of loving? How do you face a loveless love affair?


“How do you live when the very reason for living, leaves you?”

“It’s not you, it’s me. I love you but we need this space.” are the knife like words that plunged right into Ryan’s heart leaving him petrified on his seat. Keith continued to explain not realizing that the person he is talking to is somehow lost in an aching trance. No words dared to escape Ryan’s lips, the invisible blows kept him silent. He tried to keep himself together, not wanting to make a scene as they remained seated inside their favorite coffee shop. 


“love, ano yan?” Ryan asked “ano, uhm Belgian waffles, hindi mo pa ba natikman to? Masarap kaya.”  Keith said as he took a slice and gently placed it on Ryan’s plate. “I love you, love,” Keith whispered. They were happy.

 Ryan felt his knees shaking; he looked down and made a soft sobbing sound. Unfortunately, his strength was not enough to seize his tears as it began streaming down his cheeks.

They would always meet at the coffee shop; spend about an hour or two before Keith goes to work. Ryan knew how stressful Keith’s job was so he always made sure to at least see him before his shift. Ryan and Keith shared the same set of friends. One night, beneath the cloudless sky, on the same table, under the conspiracy of the whole universe… they were introduced. The coffee tables were placed adjacent to a man-made lagoon surrounded by bamboo trees protruding from a thin sheet of grass and pebbles. The couple just loved it there. The ambiance was serene, its landscape was paradise. 

Keith stood up “I need to go may pasok pa ko” Ryan felt his heart breaking inside his chest. He wanted to grab his arm and beg for him to stay but he knew that it would only make him uncomfortable. “…okay, take care.” are the only words that he could utter. 

As Keith started to fade in a distance, Ryan remained hushed on his seat watching his whole world collapse before him.

They are both are total opposites. Keith is thrifty and practical while Ryan has no concept of saving. They would always argue whenever Ryan fails to finish his meal.

“Love, ubusin mo yung pagkain mo nagsasayang ka nanaman e.”
“Eh busog na kasi ako”
“Eh bakit ka kasi kumuha ng marami diba?”
“oo na, uubusin na po”

               Keith is secretive and soft-spoken while Ryan’s tact, straight to the point and brutally honest. Even movies and television shows were an issue since Ryan enjoys anime and cartoons while Keith doesn’t. Their list of opposites goes a long way. They argue most of the time even because of the simplest things. However, one thing they loved about each other was the fact that they just can’t let the sun go down without settling things right. They loved each other deeply.

The sun retreated. Nightfall began to creep in. Ryan stood up, gathered his things and started walking. He walked the dim lighted pavement slowly. Each step bore pain words would not suffice to convey. The street was filled with the sound of glee coming from a group of friends who watched a movie, couples sitting by the fountain and parents playing with their children. He was surrounded by smiling faces, colorful lights and happy souls yet he did not see any of this. All he saw was the pain of going home, sleeping alone, being tortured in his dreams and waking up to face the same ache the next day. Ryan continued walking, the cold evening breeze caressing his skin. He remained stuck in an unbearably painful daze, clueless of how to rebuild his shattered world. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013


You're back...

The love I buried deep in the abyss of forlorn memories were awakened and excavated before you. 

Our friends kept holding me back. Nasty stories of you was laid on my table yet all of them I ignored. 

Your simple "good morning po, I'm on my way home :)" messages brought inconceivable joy.

The day I tasted your kiss

The day I held your hand

The day I wrapped you in my arms

Felt sweeter than it was before

Everything seemed to be our first

The night you rushed into my house, sat with me and cried because your lover hurt you

I couldn't help but feel the pain

All I wanted to do

was protect you

show you that you are loved

that after all this time

after all that had happened

I will always be that one person who will love you no matter what


where this is heading remains uncertain

you're confused

you're struggling with yourself

so I'll leave you for your sanity

until everything gets better


my love

I may seem distant

but I tell you

whenever you feel weak

I will always be your strength

I love you


"If you truly loved someone, regardless of how long and tiresome some things are; regardless of all the hurt you may have felt; regardless of everything else in between, you would still stay, truly, madly and deeply in love. Nothing has changed, nothing ever will be." -Dan Christian Basanes


Folks, I haven't written anything in ages, forgive me if certain parts of this post seem fickle. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I'm tired

It's been a month since the night my whole world fell apart (the world I built around you).

Remember the little fights we had that would later on turn to an exchange of unending sweetness?

Remember how you used to dance in front me when we're at the club and I'd just laugh at you coz you looked really cute and funny? (not to mention you were always off beat lol)

Remember how we'd always laugh while making love because we just loved experimenting? (over share, hey guys this is my blog soooo yea I can do whatever I want :p)

I used to think that turning all my unrequited love into strands of inconceivable anger would somehow mend the shattered remnants of my heart. I was wrong. I'm done with all the bitterness (sawa na ko mag ulam ng ampalaya araw araw hahaha) 

I'm done asking myself questions like "am I not worth it?", "am I not gwapo enough?" and all those shit lol.

I was again reminded of how moving on really takes time. I thought about finding another lover but I guess that wouldn't cure my miseries either. 

I loved you, I really did. 

For the last time I'll just look back and savor how it was to be with you. 

One last look before I close this chapter in my life. 

No, I'm not gonna cry.

I'm over that don't worry.

I could finally say that I have accepted everything

For now I'll just focus on loving myself. 

My love, I'm ending this chapter with a brave smile :)


take good care of yourself

Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's not you it's me

Dear kupal, "It's not you, it's me" is probably the worst bullshit excuse you have given me.

To you who turned out to be the very person you swore you will never be, I HATE YOU! Yes HATE,  hindi tampo, hindi inis pero SAMA NG LOOB. Yung simpleng tampo at galit nawawala yan overnight pero itong nararamdaman ko, malalalim ang pinaghuhugutan.

Ano yung sinasabi mo sa barkada natin? na sinisisi kita sa kinahantungan ng relasyon natin? WOW! Will you please reread my last message and tell me which part of it supports your claim? Ang kapal mo. I endured every single unfair shit you gave me. Teka, sino nga ba ang dapat sisihin? ako ba? why, because I loved you too much you motherfucker? because I cared and tried my best to please you dahil ayaw kong mawala ka sakin? o ikaw? kasi hindi ka willing baguhin yung sinasabi mong nakakagago mong ugali para sakin kaya you chose the easy way out by LEAVING ME. (sa mga hindi nakakarelate, please refer to the previous post "thoughts of the broken" lahat ng pukinginang bullshit na sinabi niya nandon po"

You: "siya nga e, nung nagkaron sila ng thing ni ****** wala siyang narinig sakin tapos ngayon ganyan siya"

Eh putangina mo naman pala e, ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sayo na wala ngang kami?! The reason you're not over it is because hindi ka naniniwala sakin. At kung totoo man lahat yun, I DID EVERYTHING TO WIN YOU BACK. Bumawi ako kaya wala kang karapatang sabihin sakin yan dahil nung mga panahong sinasaktan mo ko, WALA KANG GINAWA kundi sabihan ako ng mga i love you na hindi naman kayang isagawa. You're old enough to know that words without actions are MEANINGLESS.

Bakit, nung araw ng birthday ko at may nahuli akong ka flirt ka sa BBM, may narinig ka ba sakin?? isang sorry mo lang "it's okay bubba" agad ang reply ko! Nung sinabi mo na "mahal kita pero gusto kong tumikim ng ibang relasyon" may narinig ka ba sakin? anong sinabi ko? "it's okay bubba, I'm just here" TUMIKIM??? Ano 'to?? karinderya?? turo turo??

friend: "hindi mo ba inisip na nasaktan si Elijah sa ginawa mo?"
You: "okay lang, pareho naman kaming nasaktan e"

You son of a bitch!

Don't you dare talk about being hurt because you are clearly clueless of what I've been through when you left me. Alam mo bang naranasan ko yung mga putanginang teleserye moments na yung iniwan walang ginagawa kundi tulala sa isang tabi NAGING GANON AKO and damn I looked so pathetic! Naranasan mo na ba yung sa sobrang desperado kang magkaron ng kausap, kahit yung mga hindi mo kilala sa facebook ginagambala mo? Marami pa akong gustong sabhin kaso hahaba itong post at mababagot yung readers ko leche ka.

Every fucking time I hear your name, walang pumapasok sa isip ko kundi "putangina non". Mas mabuti na siguro yun kesa sa "mahal ko pa yun e".

Ang dami daming mong sinabi pero ang gusto mo lang e umalis dahil hindi ka na masaya. Sana dinerecho mo na lang, kasi ang hirap paniwalaan ng "mahal kita pero i need to let you go" tapos in less than a week may kapalit na. I'm not surprised na madali kang naka move on dahil may tumulong sayo. Ano nga uli ung sinabi mo sa kanya? "Sa araw araw na alam kong nanjan ka, lalo akong nahuhulog sayo" that sounds really sweet, tangina mo.

GUSTO KO NA MAGING MASAYA! Gusto ko na magmahal uli! PERO HINDI KO MAGAWA dahil natatakot ako. Na trauma ako sa ginawa mo e alam mo ba yon?

Sana hindi na lang kita nakilala.

Yes, I am bitter.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Thoughts of the broken.

"bubba sorry, mahal na mahal kita pero hindi pa lang talaga ako ready magcommit uli. Please bubba, please hintayin mo ko saglit lang. gusto ko kapag naging tayo ulit pwede na kitang mahalin ng buong buo, yung maibibigay ko na yung 100% ko. Sorry napakaselfish kong tao"

"mahal na mahal kita pero I have to let you go kasi ayaw kong nahihirapan ka lang dahil sakin."

"sorry, sorry kung hindi ko mapanindigan yung pagmamahal ko sa'yo. hindi ko lang talaga kayang maging unfair, sorry dahil napakaselfish ko. Ayokong umasa pero hindi ko mapigilan na mag hope na sana kapag ready na ako nanjan ka parin."

"kinain ko lang lahat ng sinabi ko, hindi ko pala kaya, hindi kita kayang mawala. masaya na ako sa ganito. mahal na mahal kita bubba"

"please stop it na mahal na mahal kita pero nahihirapan ako sa ganitong set up. Oo kasalanan ko to. Ako ang nagdesisyon nito, ayaw ko na nagkakaganyan ka dahil sa akin. Tang ina ako lang naman ang may problema e kaya ayaw kitang idamay sa problema ko. mahal na mhal kita, letting go of the person who loves me the most ay mahirap gawin , sobrang sakit sa akin na pakawalan ka pero dapat e kasi hindi ko mapanindigan yung love ko. Mag ingat ka parati, alam mo na ang gagawin mo, bye."

You said you're not ready, you said you need time, yet here I am sitting in front of my computer staring on a picture of you, smiling as you hold someone else's hand. I feel tricked. Ang bilis mo naman akong palitan. Am I not good enough? Am I not "gwapo" enough? You told our friends that it was very hard for you to move on and that you want to be happy now. Why? Am I not doing that? Were my efforts lacking? You said you love me yet with the same breath you exchange sweet nothings with him! I gave up everything for you, I endured every heartache, I even loved you more than myself. 

I feel lifeless. My friends tell me to go look for someone else to lavish my love on but dear, I'm all out of love to give. I tried to be vain and bitter just to kill all the unwanted hopes of having you back but being angry is something I can't do (because I love you). Although I've tried to put you out of my mind, I still can't help but look back and savor the wonders of having you.

I just love you so much, so much that seeing you happy without me aches. 

I have never loved any person in my life this much. Although what happened is something I think I will never understand, there's one thing I know I am sure of: your happiness is more important than mine. If you think you're better of without me, who am I to stop you from leaving. 


Putting in these thoughts together, looking back on those bittersweet words you uttered renewed all the pain and anguish I have tried forgetting. I guess, for me to attain absolute acceptance, I must not run away from what hurts but face it head on. 

It's so hard that when the person you built your hopes and dreams around would just walk away and you being the one left behind, remain shattered, clueless of how to rebuild your life again. 

I wish moving on is just as simple as saying it. 

I wish I was strong enough to just let it all go.

I wish... 

you and I could be together again.


This post is just for the sake of letting everything out. Sorry for the grammatical errors.