To my Summer Fin, despite everything, you were still the best. What we had will always be seared in my heart.
The last conversation happened a month ago. I never had the courage to look back and write about it for the thought of excavating, tracing the vestiges and feeling the scars of old, forgotten love, especially when you know it’s true, have and will always bring torment. In fact, the shrouds of apathy I have weaved for the past days are powerless to stop the tears from trickling down my grief-stricken eyes as right now, I evoke forlorn memories to write this.
Me: Yung sinabi mo sa club, in front my of my friends, sinabi mong tayo. Totoo na ba yon? Tayo na ba uli?
Him: Hindi. Bubba sorry, sorry hindi ko pa talaga kaya. Please hintayin mo ko, gusto ko kapag tayo na maayos na ako. Mahal na mahal kita.
Me: I’m sorry, hindi ko na kaya. I have to think about myself now. Natatakot ako na baka eto ako hihintayin uli kita tapos magkakaron ka nanaman ng bagong boyfriend tapos out of the picture nanaman ako
Him: Please, wala na akong ibang matatakbuhan. Ikaw lang nakakakilala sakin ng buong buo. Alam mo namang hindi ako nakakapagopen ng buong buo sa mga kaibigan natin e. Ikaw lang nakakakilala talaga sakin Elijah, please?
Me: pasalamat ka mahal kita ng sobra.
Me: I heard you’re leaving for Abu Dhabi. Sorry sa mga nasabi kong nakasakit sayo, nasabi ko lang yun kasi sobrang bitter ko sayo, I mean diba, twice mo kong pinalitan pero you know naman how I love you very much. I hope everything’s turning out well for you; that you get everything you deserve.
Him: Hindi naman ako galit, wala naman akong mapapala kung magtatanim ako ng galit diba? J
Me: Can I see you for the last time?
Him: Okay naman
Me: anong gagawin mo dun?
Him: maghahanap ng work, kinukuha na ko ni mama e
Me: …I still write about you
Him: I don’t know what to say
Me: Uhm, *** I just wanna know why… why did you tell me na mahal mo ko and yet here you are may karelasyon na iba?
Him: tanungin mo sarili mo
Him: nanghingi ka ng space diba?
Me: oo, nanghingi ako ng space kasi hindi mo alam yung gusto mo. Hindi ka certain sa nararamdaman mo saken kaya I assumed na you needed time to think about what you really want. Wala ka ngang narinig sakin nung unang beses mo sakin sinabi na hindi ka ready pero nagkarelasyon ka.
Him: okay fine, ako na magulo
Me: hindi yun ang ibig ko sabihin. ***, please, I just wanna know why… what happened?
Him: May sinabi ba akong ganon? Wala akong maalalang sinabi kong mahal kita.
It was an ambush. The knife-like words plunged straight into my already broken heart; crushing every fragment of what remains. I didn't’t survive the attack.
We kept on exchanging petty thoughts for the next half hour but my mind was already lost in an aching reverie. I remained petrified on my seat while he imprudently babbled about his work and friends. I tried complimenting and sharing my thoughts toward them at the same time; talking and talking, arduously ignoring the bits of myself that fell piece by piece on the stoned pavement.
I broke down the moment he stood up and left. I rested my head on the steel table, still being able to see, through my tears of perpetual sorrow, the swarm of holiday lights that hung on palm trees that apparently indicate the merriment, people are supposed to feel this season… at the same place; the same coffee shop where we first met.