MIDNIGHT TOMATORANT

The first guy I ever truly loved, was Kenneth. 




He really wasn't the tall, bookworm, good looking grammar nazi that I've always dreamed of. He was rather short, button nose, kinky hair, has a very weird set of mannerisms and a terrible grammar. 

but

I loved him.

I loved him dearly.

when he left me

when he spewt those knife-like words from his mouth

"i dont remember telling you that i love you"

i saw, through my tears of pain and sorrow,  my entire world collapsing in front of him

he didn't just break me

he completely destroyed me

waking up and facing the day was a tedious task for me. 

every where i looked, every tree, every flower, every drop of rain, every love song... everything around me evoked images of him. 

it broke me even more.  

i remember visiting his social media accounts everyday. checking if a guy has already replaced the little space that was left for me in his heart. 

it wasn't long until i saw a picture of them.

i was in a friend's party when i saw it.

the ipad i was using almost slipped from my hands as they shook.

i felt a heavy blow in my chest and everything around me just faded.

there was quick flashback

a collection of our blissful memoirs began to reel in my head.

the pain was unbearable 

i just wanted to die then and there

it was as if all the inspiration i used to write and choreograph beautifully were lies.

i was bitter.

i felt helpless.

i did not want to have anything to do with love anymore.








until I met Robert.









this guy...

man, i dont even know where to begin.

the butterflies i had in my tummy whenever we'd talk 6 months ago are still the same ones fluttering inside every time i hear him call me "love" or "baby".

never in my life have i met someone who is so witty, caring, protective, mature, funny and gwapo (fine, there I said it) all at the same time. 

just when i thought i would never engage in relationships again

this 6ft tall smart mouth who is all but love, swept me off my feet.

ive never felt so important, so loved, loved with a love that would bring me tears because it overflows.  

my heart has been filled with endless wonder ever since i met him.

sure there were testing times, but those are incomparable to the joy of seeing him smile at me with those puppy dog eyes.

i've already written a couple of love letters for him but every time I get the fuel to write again, it's as if I am writing to him for the very first time. 

I melt

I just do

all the time

when I'm with him, I grow as a person. I learn new things and it's evident that we grow together. 





now I understand...





and I want to thank you kenneth for letting me go.

because if you didn't...

i would've never met this amazing person whom i want to spend the rest of my life with. 

Robert Gabriel,  I am truly, madly and deeply in love with you.

VISIONS

were the kisses tender? 





wet? 





passionate?




did he moan lustfully when you were exploring his body with your tongue?





did your eyes roll back when he started stroking your manhood?





did you clench his hair and thrust your hips forward slowly as he took your hardness into his mouth?





were you pleased when you felt your body press against his?





were your fingers entwined... were your eyes locked in each other's gaze when you were on top and slowly penetrating him?





did it feel good?





was it intense?






...naisip mo ba ko habang ginagawa mo yon tulad ng sinabi mo? o naisip mo lang ako bago mangyare at pagkatapos? 






_______________________________________







i'm not gonna lie, masakit parin. masakit, lalo na kapag nakikita ko yung itsura nung lalake. pinatawad ko na siya, matagal na. i just don't know how to free myself from this evil that lurks underneath our blissful love story. Sabi ng friends ko, dapat daw iniwan ko na kasi kung sa kanila nangyare yon iiwanan nila agad. but no, i love him. i can't even fathom how my life is gonna be like without him. kelangan ko lang makahanap ng way to fight these demons.

why did I write this? 

"For us who see writing as a form of escape, it's what we need to purge our thoughts." - Justin P.

THOUGHTS OF A HAPPY MAN

The raindrops trickle on the window pane, my love.

I remember

Long ago, I used to curl up,

hug my knees and feel

a downpour of sadness

that engulfs my soul

and drains all the life that remains



but now

I feel nothing but happiness

and that is because of you.



You may not be my first love

but you are everything to me.

my strength

my joy

my peace of mind

my stability

and thats what matters.

I love you.


________


It's been a while since the last time I wrote.
I didn't have the luxury of time to read books or practice my skill.
For the past years I've written nothing but melancholy.
I somehow mastered the ways of conveying grief.
Happiness is a foreign emotion for me.
Bear with me as I paint new colors in my dull and lifeless page.
I am trying to relearn the craft again.


________


Robert Gabriel, this is for you.

My Autumn

I have abandoned hope a long time ago. 

The thought of loving and being loved,to me, are nothing but scars from my withered past. I have scoured my heart with every jot of thought that may evoke such feeling. 

For two years my doors remained shut and my soul isolated, basking in the cold, deep in the blinding darkness, groping for answers that may detest the validity of love. strangers have tried to shed light and drive the shadows of doubt away. but as the days passed their tenacity to relive my heart, like the sun sinks below the horizon as darkness crept in, waned. 

I have always written, with intense ardor, stories that tell wonders of finding one's other half and people admired me for it. I guess it's true that adept writers are experts in faking emotions. My readers have lost themselves in reading my works yet they do not know that the words used to forge such artifice were pulled out from nothingness and that the heart of the writer himself is iced. 

I read books. I became more clever and cunning. I familiarized myself with knowledge from people who survived their heartbreaks so that I may heal and never engage in such foolishness. I was neither sad nor happy, I was deprived of emotions. everything was black and white. i could see the flowers, the cloudless sky, the tiny pebbles beneath my feet and the faceless crowd that swarms around me but that's all. 

everyday I woke up, wishing I died. 

and then you came. 

you. you, a stranger, who through my eyes of shattered dreams and promises, emerged. 

you, who everyday, with even just a simple hi, has made my heart skip a beat. 

you, who, as the days went by, have searched and pieced together every missing fragment of my heart. 

you, who spoiled me with countless wonderful things, have brought tears of inconceivable joy, happiness I thought I would never feel again. 

you, who promised a love that grows each passing day, made me wake up every morning, teeming with enthusiasm to strive to become a better person. you wiped away every doubt. you restored hope. 

you revived my heart. you're everything I could ever ask for, you are my autumn, and the love of my life.  

i love you 

i love us 

happy 3rd month