random

I'm falling too fast and I'm scared.

I'm getting used to being loved and taken care of again and it really scares the hell out of me.

People change their minds so quick. One day they'll tell you you mean the world to them pagkatapos they'll say they have to let you go.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for another  heartbreak. 

I hate that I feel like i have the need to be constantly reassured that people will stay.

I hate this.

A chance at love

"You are the reason for the crescent shape on my face from ear to ear. Your texts revives the soul in me I thought I've lost. The melodies of your words flow through my veins like oxygen. Every beat of my internal drums dances to the rhythm of yours. 

You are the reason why my phone gets hotter than the hot climate of this tropical island. You are the reason the word love is slowly writing itself back in my life. Your genuine infatuation tastes like the first bite of a decadent pizza slice. 

I am lost in awe again because a million sensations are swirling inside my head like a big bowl of halo halo. I see your picture and imagine myself touching your perfectly smooth brown skin. Your lips remind me of marshmallows I want to bite.

I'm ready for it all. I'm ready to glide over fields of flowers with you. I'm ready to sail the ocean during a storm. I'm ready to sing the beat of your heart. I'm ready to dance in the rain for every scars you've been given. Best of all I'm ready to hold your chin up when you're feeling down so your crown don't fall.

Can you feel it? Can you see it? My heart and soul is celebrating for the future. Such an unknown future and my whole aura is committed to this chance. Part of me is on full throttle but part of me is calling my actions naive and crazy. 

I don't want any lies between us. I don't want even a single dust to go through. I've felt it all. I can take it. Before you I was talking to someone. I had feelings for them and trying to make it work but then I started talking to you and I felt the same sensation I felt when I stood on the beach as the waves reached my toes and I watched the beautiful sunrise. 

I hope one day I'll be the one you come home to and complain to. I hope one day I'll be the one you can fart and shit in front of. I hope one day I'll be the one you'll be eating fatty take out with in front of the TV. I hope one day I'll be the one to wake you up for work. I hope one day I'll be the one to remind you where you put your wallet. I hope one day I'll be the one next to you in bed and you steal all the blanket. I hope one day I'll be the one to make you not look for anyone else. I hope I'll be the one to make you feel like the rest of the world don't exist. Last but not least, I hope I'll be the one you wake up next to and stare me in the eyes with no words said because our eyes speaks of the heavy emotions our hearts are singing.

And if this fairytale comes true. I want to be the one to put a rock on it. I hope I made you smile after your long work day. Go ahead and take off your clothes and relax. Don't forget to text me. And omg I haven't written this long since my last essay in college haha. Wth Keloid I hate you. ☺️"

A writer to another writer...

It's over, you've won my heart.

Just when I thought I will forever shut my doors for love, someone came along.

I'm afraid because I dont ever want to go back to when everytime I look in the mirror, I see an ugly, unlovable and unworthy me.

but now, I'm willing to try again.

Bestfriend Breakups.

My bestfriend here in Dubai abandoned me today. At first I got a little scared, fearing that I might cry in the train on the way home. Luckily, I didnt.

I didnt feel anything, I was numb. The apathy I guess stems from the void that my ex boyfriend left. My heart was in so much pain that it taught it how to not feel.

It got so used to it that people leaving dont surprise me anymore.

Although I am certain that the words I am about to forge will never reach his eyes, I am writing them simply to bring peace to my heart.

1. I deleted all our pictures on my instagram. I took them all down but you never noticed. You never noticed because you dont pay attention to the little things. You said you didnt want to be associated with loud gay men (same as how you were embarrassed to introduce me to your friends) I was hurt when you uploaded a picture of you and that fashionista guy but I kept it all to myself because I didnt want you to feel awkward and feel obliged about something that should naturally come from your heart. I got sad thinking that maybe I'm not rich or cool enough to be proud of on your social platform. I didnt want you to feel bad so I kept it.

2. That time you slept over and cuddled with me all night made me jovial. Honestly, I started to notice butterflies fluttering in my tummy the days that followed. I was so tempted to take advantage of you, to tell you how I feel but I didnt. I held my "feelings" and crushed them with my bare hands. You didnt have any friends whom you can talk to in the middle of the night, or share your frustrations and fantasies with so I kept what I felt to myself. It wouldve been entirely selfish of me to expose something that would jeopardize our friendship so I kept it all in.

3. I've been trying so hard... to please you. Aside from making a better version of me, the reason I get so excited to work out in the gym is because I wanted you to be proud of me. I told you all about kinection and addlib, the things that Ive accomplished with my dance and bought all the clothes you thought would look good on me just so you could be proud of me. When I'm with you I sometimes feel so little that is why I work hard to compensate for the inferiority. I have always been eager to help you with your school work because I wanted to show you that you can depend on me. Remember that one time I had to paraphrase a lot of your assignments while I was on the metro going to work? Or that one time I didnt take my lunch just so we could go to get coffee and work on your homework? It was tiring but i had fun. 

Everything that made me sad and terrible in our friendship, I kept it all to myself just so you wouldnt feel bad. 

I just feel tired of everything because apparently no matter how I try I will never be worth keeping.

All the efforts and sacrifices forgotten within 10 minutes. 

It was nice to meet you, though. 

Secrets.

i honestly dont know what's happening to me. 

I feel like im changing...

drowning...

lost...

alone...

I dont know if this is another phase I have to go through.

I see myself shutting my friends away and i dont know why.

I wish they'd try to ask if I'm doing okay, if there's something bothering me.

No one seems to care...

Must be something I'm gonna have to live with too.

Realizations

it's been roughly four months since my whole world collapsed.

"try to do other things, that'll keep your mind off the breakup." they said. 

"other things"

I decided to sign up for the nearest gym at my place. The trainer asked what my motivation was, I kept silent. The sessions were amazing. I felt my muscles grew as I endured the aching each passing day. 

The trainer told me to refrain from eating junk foods so I did my groceries this month and filled my cart with fruits, vegetables, brown bread and cereals.

I felt like a legit grown up planning my meals, watching youtube tutorials and actually cooking them. 

I was a whole new person because of everything that's kept me busy these past few weeks. I mean, I have a completely organized closet, I bought a rice cooker and a juicer, a cooking set and well, a little shopping. 

Focusing on the "other things" really did help me a lot. 

and then there comes the toughest part: acceptance. 

accepting that he is already happy and will never come back to me is one thing but accepting things that deal with my personal self is another.

i will never be good enough.

I said it and I somehow pity myself for feeling that way but it's the truth and I just have to live with that.

I'm not worth keeping.

...because after a specific timeframe, people will realize that there's a better person out there and similar to what always happens, they leave and choose the other.

and because of this I have decided to give my heart to someone: myself.

I'll be my own savior.

I promised that I'd go to hell with them but I did not expect that they'd leave me there. 

When I said "I love you more"

i remember the first time i replied "i love you more" instead of i love you too.

when i said "i love you more"

i dont just mean i love you more than you love me.

What I meant was I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. 

I love you more than any fight we will ever have.

I love you more than the distance between us.

I love you more than any obstacle that may try and come between us.

I love you the most.

and whatever happens at the end of the day, I'd still choose you.

***

just random things I think and I wish i forget about soon.