My bestfriend here in Dubai abandoned me today. At first I got a little scared, fearing that I might cry in the train on the way home. Luckily, I didnt.
I didnt feel anything, I was numb. The apathy I guess stems from the void that my ex boyfriend left. My heart was in so much pain that it taught it how to not feel.
It got so used to it that people leaving dont surprise me anymore.
Although I am certain that the words I am about to forge will never reach his eyes, I am writing them simply to bring peace to my heart.
1. I deleted all our pictures on my instagram. I took them all down but you never noticed. You never noticed because you dont pay attention to the little things. You said you didnt want to be associated with loud gay men (same as how you were embarrassed to introduce me to your friends) I was hurt when you uploaded a picture of you and that fashionista guy but I kept it all to myself because I didnt want you to feel awkward and feel obliged about something that should naturally come from your heart. I got sad thinking that maybe I'm not rich or cool enough to be proud of on your social platform. I didnt want you to feel bad so I kept it.
2. That time you slept over and cuddled with me all night made me jovial. Honestly, I started to notice butterflies fluttering in my tummy the days that followed. I was so tempted to take advantage of you, to tell you how I feel but I didnt. I held my "feelings" and crushed them with my bare hands. You didnt have any friends whom you can talk to in the middle of the night, or share your frustrations and fantasies with so I kept what I felt to myself. It wouldve been entirely selfish of me to expose something that would jeopardize our friendship so I kept it all in.
3. I've been trying so hard... to please you. Aside from making a better version of me, the reason I get so excited to work out in the gym is because I wanted you to be proud of me. I told you all about kinection and addlib, the things that Ive accomplished with my dance and bought all the clothes you thought would look good on me just so you could be proud of me. When I'm with you I sometimes feel so little that is why I work hard to compensate for the inferiority. I have always been eager to help you with your school work because I wanted to show you that you can depend on me. Remember that one time I had to paraphrase a lot of your assignments while I was on the metro going to work? Or that one time I didnt take my lunch just so we could go to get coffee and work on your homework? It was tiring but i had fun.
Everything that made me sad and terrible in our friendship, I kept it all to myself just so you wouldnt feel bad.
I just feel tired of everything because apparently no matter how I try I will never be worth keeping.
All the efforts and sacrifices forgotten within 10 minutes.
It was nice to meet you, though.