to the boy who awakened my heart

he's a writer

his words were warm and inviting; it thawed my frozen heart

they were sweet as honey

beautiful like summertime butterflies fluttering in the air

i was but a sad, broken hearted boy who needed saving and his timing was impeccable.

"stop holding back, show me the real you, the one you never show to anybody and i will show you real love."

"i want to be your bestfriend, your lover, your everything."

and it went on

"thats the beauty of loving someone who's broken kasi it's like you saved him"

i didnt need you, i never did but i took the risk because i trusted you.

"im half awake and im not sure if im typing this correctly..." he wrote "but if i have to whisper one last sentence, it would be: you're my everything"

"i want to be the one to make you feel all kinds of emotions."

your love, got me singing, got me doing things unimaginable. 

it drove away the hurt, the loneliness, the past. i felt alive.

"this is hard but i will be damned before i let this ship fall, i love you so much elijah, i will never give up on you, im not going anywhere."

and then everything changed...

"he's caught my attention..."

"i dont know if this is worth it anymore..."

"i need time to think..."

"i dont think i can do this..."

i was a wreck, i was weak but i had to be strong and fight for what we started.

"im ending things with you elijah, i cannot handle this baggage, this relationship is slowing me down."

like taking knives and slowly stabbing my already broken heart, i kept rereading your messages.

rereading them while, at the same time, listening to your songs and reading the poems youve written for me.

my heart was drowning in a sea of inexpressible sorrow, i could not breathe.

you took your mask off, showed me all the skeletons in your closet and unveiled your book. it was difficult but i accepted them all and stayed. 

and yet,

someone came along and caught your attention.

i brushed it off

and instead, trusted in your love

i trusted your words

i trusted you

but you...

you picked my heart up only to piece it together and throw it against a wall.

ang sakit naman nito

i guess i was right, i will never be good enough; i will never be worth keeping.

it was nice meeting you, shamsi.

*** 

he refused to stitch his heart up and slept with the cuts open. he hoped that by dawn, every single emotion would have flowed out from the wounds thus, waking up numb.

***

TANGINA TALAGA LAGI NA LANG! TANGINANG BUHAY TO AYOKO NA

he hated his concept of love

he despised yet took pride of it at the same time

it was a love that kept no record of wrongs

a true one

a persevering one

one that chooses to see past the shortcomings

one that loves even when the person is unlovable

to some it was unhealthy

to him it was the perfect gift

or perhaps a curse

he loathed himself for always caring

for enduring the beating

he believed that the only time you will let go 

is when the love is gone

that strength is measured 

by staying

and not by taking the easy way out

he detested his ideals

his strength is an abomination

*grabs feelings and crushes it with bare hands

he wished for numbness

for apathy

for oblivion

deep breaths

he remained silent

he was the type who never speak unless spoken to

he just sat there by the window

the moon's pulsating beam illuminated his curled up body

the cool evening breeze caressed his skin

everything else was pitch black

nothing can be heard except for his soft, muffled sobs resonating across the walls.

memories were relived 

wounds were reopened

so much pain

horror

regret and bereavement 

he grew desperate

desperate to free himself from the clutches of fear

but he had lost his strength

he was fragile and vulnerable

numb

so he just sat there

hushed

in the dark

by himself

"i dont know if this is worth it."

and waited till the pain fades away.

because, really, there's nothing he can do

and maybe he will be never worth it anyway

***

I just wanted you to know, that when I picture myself happy, it's with you.