It's not you it's me

Dear kupal, "It's not you, it's me" is probably the worst bullshit excuse you have given me.

To you who turned out to be the very person you swore you will never be, I HATE YOU! Yes HATE,  hindi tampo, hindi inis pero SAMA NG LOOB. Yung simpleng tampo at galit nawawala yan overnight pero itong nararamdaman ko, malalalim ang pinaghuhugutan.

Ano yung sinasabi mo sa barkada natin? na sinisisi kita sa kinahantungan ng relasyon natin? WOW! Will you please reread my last message and tell me which part of it supports your claim? Ang kapal mo. I endured every single unfair shit you gave me. Teka, sino nga ba ang dapat sisihin? ako ba? why, because I loved you too much you motherfucker? because I cared and tried my best to please you dahil ayaw kong mawala ka sakin? o ikaw? kasi hindi ka willing baguhin yung sinasabi mong nakakagago mong ugali para sakin kaya you chose the easy way out by LEAVING ME. (sa mga hindi nakakarelate, please refer to the previous post "thoughts of the broken" lahat ng pukinginang bullshit na sinabi niya nandon po"

You: "siya nga e, nung nagkaron sila ng thing ni ****** wala siyang narinig sakin tapos ngayon ganyan siya"

Eh putangina mo naman pala e, ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sayo na wala ngang kami?! The reason you're not over it is because hindi ka naniniwala sakin. At kung totoo man lahat yun, I DID EVERYTHING TO WIN YOU BACK. Bumawi ako kaya wala kang karapatang sabihin sakin yan dahil nung mga panahong sinasaktan mo ko, WALA KANG GINAWA kundi sabihan ako ng mga i love you na hindi naman kayang isagawa. You're old enough to know that words without actions are MEANINGLESS.

Bakit, nung araw ng birthday ko at may nahuli akong ka flirt ka sa BBM, may narinig ka ba sakin?? isang sorry mo lang "it's okay bubba" agad ang reply ko! Nung sinabi mo na "mahal kita pero gusto kong tumikim ng ibang relasyon" may narinig ka ba sakin? anong sinabi ko? "it's okay bubba, I'm just here" TUMIKIM??? Ano 'to?? karinderya?? turo turo??

friend: "hindi mo ba inisip na nasaktan si Elijah sa ginawa mo?"
You: "okay lang, pareho naman kaming nasaktan e"

You son of a bitch!

Don't you dare talk about being hurt because you are clearly clueless of what I've been through when you left me. Alam mo bang naranasan ko yung mga putanginang teleserye moments na yung iniwan walang ginagawa kundi tulala sa isang tabi NAGING GANON AKO and damn I looked so pathetic! Naranasan mo na ba yung sa sobrang desperado kang magkaron ng kausap, kahit yung mga hindi mo kilala sa facebook ginagambala mo? Marami pa akong gustong sabhin kaso hahaba itong post at mababagot yung readers ko leche ka.

Every fucking time I hear your name, walang pumapasok sa isip ko kundi "putangina non". Mas mabuti na siguro yun kesa sa "mahal ko pa yun e".

Ang dami daming mong sinabi pero ang gusto mo lang e umalis dahil hindi ka na masaya. Sana dinerecho mo na lang, kasi ang hirap paniwalaan ng "mahal kita pero i need to let you go" tapos in less than a week may kapalit na. I'm not surprised na madali kang naka move on dahil may tumulong sayo. Ano nga uli ung sinabi mo sa kanya? "Sa araw araw na alam kong nanjan ka, lalo akong nahuhulog sayo" that sounds really sweet, tangina mo.

GUSTO KO NA MAGING MASAYA! Gusto ko na magmahal uli! PERO HINDI KO MAGAWA dahil natatakot ako. Na trauma ako sa ginawa mo e alam mo ba yon?

Sana hindi na lang kita nakilala.

Yes, I am bitter.

Thoughts of the broken.

12/24/12

"bubba sorry, mahal na mahal kita pero hindi pa lang talaga ako ready magcommit uli. Please bubba, please hintayin mo ko saglit lang. gusto ko kapag naging tayo ulit pwede na kitang mahalin ng buong buo, yung maibibigay ko na yung 100% ko. Sorry napakaselfish kong tao"

12/30/12

"mahal na mahal kita pero I have to let you go kasi ayaw kong nahihirapan ka lang dahil sakin."

01/02/13

"sorry, sorry kung hindi ko mapanindigan yung pagmamahal ko sa'yo. hindi ko lang talaga kayang maging unfair, sorry dahil napakaselfish ko. Ayokong umasa pero hindi ko mapigilan na mag hope na sana kapag ready na ako nanjan ka parin."

01/03/13

"kinain ko lang lahat ng sinabi ko, hindi ko pala kaya, hindi kita kayang mawala. masaya na ako sa ganito. mahal na mahal kita bubba"

01/05/13

"please stop it na mahal na mahal kita pero nahihirapan ako sa ganitong set up. Oo kasalanan ko to. Ako ang nagdesisyon nito, ayaw ko na nagkakaganyan ka dahil sa akin. Tang ina ako lang naman ang may problema e kaya ayaw kitang idamay sa problema ko. mahal na mhal kita, letting go of the person who loves me the most ay mahirap gawin , sobrang sakit sa akin na pakawalan ka pero dapat e kasi hindi ko mapanindigan yung love ko. Mag ingat ka parati, alam mo na ang gagawin mo, bye."

You said you're not ready, you said you need time, yet here I am sitting in front of my computer staring on a picture of you, smiling as you hold someone else's hand. I feel tricked. Ang bilis mo naman akong palitan. Am I not good enough? Am I not "gwapo" enough? You told our friends that it was very hard for you to move on and that you want to be happy now. Why? Am I not doing that? Were my efforts lacking? You said you love me yet with the same breath you exchange sweet nothings with him! I gave up everything for you, I endured every heartache, I even loved you more than myself. 

I feel lifeless. My friends tell me to go look for someone else to lavish my love on but dear, I'm all out of love to give. I tried to be vain and bitter just to kill all the unwanted hopes of having you back but being angry is something I can't do (because I love you). Although I've tried to put you out of my mind, I still can't help but look back and savor the wonders of having you.

I just love you so much, so much that seeing you happy without me aches. 

I have never loved any person in my life this much. Although what happened is something I think I will never understand, there's one thing I know I am sure of: your happiness is more important than mine. If you think you're better of without me, who am I to stop you from leaving. 

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Putting in these thoughts together, looking back on those bittersweet words you uttered renewed all the pain and anguish I have tried forgetting. I guess, for me to attain absolute acceptance, I must not run away from what hurts but face it head on. 

It's so hard that when the person you built your hopes and dreams around would just walk away and you being the one left behind, remain shattered, clueless of how to rebuild your life again. 

I wish moving on is just as simple as saying it. 

I wish I was strong enough to just let it all go.

I wish... 

you and I could be together again.

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This post is just for the sake of letting everything out. Sorry for the grammatical errors.