To my Summer Fin, despite everything, you were still the best. What we had will always be seared in my
heart.
The
last conversation happened a month ago. I never had the courage to look back
and write about it for the thought of excavating, tracing the vestiges and feeling
the scars of old, forgotten love, especially when you know it’s true, have and
will always bring torment. In fact, the
shrouds of apathy I have weaved for the past days are powerless to stop the
tears from trickling down my grief-stricken eyes as right now, I evoke forlorn
memories to write this.
(113)
Me: Yung sinabi mo sa
club, in front my of my friends, sinabi mong tayo. Totoo na ba yon? Tayo na ba
uli?
Him: Hindi. Bubba
sorry, sorry hindi ko pa talaga kaya. Please hintayin mo ko, gusto ko kapag
tayo na maayos na ako. Mahal na mahal kita.
(240)
Me: I’m sorry, hindi
ko na kaya. I have to think about myself now. Natatakot ako na baka eto ako
hihintayin uli kita tapos magkakaron ka nanaman ng bagong boyfriend tapos out
of the picture nanaman ako
Him: Please, wala na
akong ibang matatakbuhan. Ikaw lang nakakakilala sakin ng buong buo. Alam mo
namang hindi ako nakakapagopen ng buong buo sa mga kaibigan natin e. Ikaw lang
nakakakilala talaga sakin Elijah, please?
Me: pasalamat ka mahal
kita ng sobra.
(442)
Me: I heard you’re
leaving for Abu Dhabi. Sorry sa mga nasabi kong nakasakit sayo, nasabi ko lang
yun kasi sobrang bitter ko sayo, I mean diba, twice mo kong pinalitan pero you
know naman how I love you very much. I hope everything’s turning out well for
you; that you get everything you deserve.
Him: Hindi naman ako
galit, wala naman akong mapapala kung magtatanim ako ng galit diba? J
Me: Can I see you for
the last time?
Him: sige…
(442 ½)
Me: Kamusta?
Him: Okay naman
Me: anong gagawin mo
dun?
Him: maghahanap ng
work, kinukuha na ko ni mama e
Me: …I still write
about you
Him: I don’t know what
to say
Me: Uhm, *** I just
wanna know why… why did you tell me na mahal mo ko and yet here you are may
karelasyon na iba?
Him: tanungin mo
sarili mo
Me: ako?
Him: nanghingi ka ng
space diba?
Me: oo, nanghingi ako
ng space kasi hindi mo alam yung gusto mo. Hindi ka certain sa nararamdaman mo
saken kaya I assumed na you needed time to think about what you really want.
Wala ka ngang narinig sakin nung unang beses mo sakin sinabi na hindi ka ready
pero nagkarelasyon ka.
Him: okay fine, ako na
magulo
Me: hindi yun ang ibig
ko sabihin. ***, please, I just wanna know why… what happened?
…
Him: May sinabi ba
akong ganon? Wala akong maalalang sinabi kong mahal kita.
…
It was an ambush. The
knife-like words plunged straight into my already broken heart; crushing every
fragment of what remains. I didn't’t survive the attack.
We kept on exchanging
petty thoughts for the next half hour but my mind was already lost in an aching
reverie. I remained petrified on my seat while he imprudently babbled about his
work and friends. I tried complimenting and sharing my thoughts toward them at
the same time; talking and talking, arduously ignoring the bits of myself that
fell piece by piece on the stoned pavement.
I broke down the
moment he stood up and left. I rested my head on the steel table, still being
able to see, through my tears of perpetual sorrow, the swarm of holiday lights
that hung on palm trees that apparently indicate the merriment, people are
supposed to feel this season… at the same place; the same coffee shop where we
first met.
