for the last time I puffed my fifth cigarette stick for tonight. As I sat in the balcony staring across the dubai skyline, the thoughts I have tried evading these past days, ambushed me.
I looked his instagram page up. Ive been successful this past week for not checking it and I thought Ive come so far but I was wrong.
I saw his smile.
The smile that would always greet me during our early skype sessions.
The smile that I saw when he emerged from the arrival gate at the airport.
The smile that I would wake up to every morning we spent together.
A smile that is now because of the new man in his life.
Again, I am ruined.
Again, I am defeated.
I have been replaced so easily.
He said I would never know the feeling of leaving the person you love.
... the person you love...
how do you abandon love?
If this is how love is supposed to feel, then I refuse to be loved.
Is love responsible for the tears that stream down my cheeks as I type this?
Is it the sharp pang that I feel inside my chest?
If it's so, then I dont want any of it.
Oh the I'll-be-fine and the I'll-be-okay lies that I tell my friends and coworkers whenever they ask
The countless How-to-move-on articles that Ive been reading
The strength inducing songs Ive been listening to
All of it dancing in front of me; mocking me, humiliating me.
There really is no escape, no shortcuts.
All those promises
All the ugly crying
Gone with the wind.
He is happy without me
I have accepted it a hundred times and now I must be reminded of it again.
I'll be fine.