random

"From time to time, Paige went out with doctors from the hospital, but she refused to get romantically involved with any of them. Alfred Turner had hurt her too deeply, and she was determined never to go through that again."

-S.Sheldon, Nothing Lasts Forever

isolation

He yearned for long drives

for lazy mornings and warm nights

he longed for slow dances 

underneath the black, moonlit canvas

to the rhythm of unspoken vows

of eternal love and fidelity

he craved for petty quarrels

that blossomed into fierce love making  

which left nothing but gentle kisses

and intertwined souls caressed by the cold autumn breeze

he dreamed of discovering new worlds

exploring cities

getting lost in a labyrinth strangers and skyscrapers

unafraid of wandering too far

for you, his home, is with him.

but just as dreams dissolve at the crack of dawn

so did his

he looked in the mirror and saw the void on his chest

the nothingness that engulfed the remaining fragments of his heart

"the pain is debilitating" he thought

he retreated into an emotional fortress where no one could touch him again.

11/4/16

May all your dreams come true

insignificant sighs

Nine months have already passed

I can still feel the pain

one wrong picture

one wrong song

evoke forlorn memories

that lurk deep in the crevices 

of my flimsy heart

____

maybe they're right

i am but a soul that needs saving

a new love

a spark of hope

but hope

like love

is something I have abandoned

just as how i was abandoned

***

random

Maybe one day i'll be done, i'll be at peace. But until then, I'll continue to write your name... only to curse it.

the vow

alone he sat in the corner

running his palm on his chest

on withered scars that cover his heart

he remembered them sweet words vividly

what he said about love

about its wonders

about gliding through wheat fields

about lazy mornings

and skinny dipping in the ocean

he reread the poems

the songs

the little things

...

he hated it

...

you never leave the person you love

how can you abandon love?

...

eyes shut, he gently whispered

to forever close his doors

to shut people away

because everyone will leave eventually

and words, no matter how shiny they are

will lose its lustre when trials come

so he swore

with the remaining fragments of his heart on his clutches

to NEVER engage in love again

for love

is nothing more

than an illusion

a snare

and a trap of wonderful promises

***

I know you're happy and I hope you always get what you deserve. I hope you fulfill your dreams and I wish I am there to chase them with you. I'm afraid you are the last person I will ever love.

I'm not okay yet but I will be eventually, because in the end, you having found happiness is what matters...

Though I'm not going to lie, deep in the subconscious part of my head is a spark of hope wishing that one day we will be together or maybe you having found the stregnth to give us another chance.

Good night.

to the boy who awakened my heart

he's a writer

his words were warm and inviting; it thawed my frozen heart

they were sweet as honey

beautiful like summertime butterflies fluttering in the air

i was but a sad, broken hearted boy who needed saving and his timing was impeccable.

"stop holding back, show me the real you, the one you never show to anybody and i will show you real love."

"i want to be your bestfriend, your lover, your everything."

and it went on

"thats the beauty of loving someone who's broken kasi it's like you saved him"

i didnt need you, i never did but i took the risk because i trusted you.

"im half awake and im not sure if im typing this correctly..." he wrote "but if i have to whisper one last sentence, it would be: you're my everything"

"i want to be the one to make you feel all kinds of emotions."

your love, got me singing, got me doing things unimaginable. 

it drove away the hurt, the loneliness, the past. i felt alive.

"this is hard but i will be damned before i let this ship fall, i love you so much elijah, i will never give up on you, im not going anywhere."

and then everything changed...

"he's caught my attention..."

"i dont know if this is worth it anymore..."

"i need time to think..."

"i dont think i can do this..."

i was a wreck, i was weak but i had to be strong and fight for what we started.

"im ending things with you elijah, i cannot handle this baggage, this relationship is slowing me down."

like taking knives and slowly stabbing my already broken heart, i kept rereading your messages.

rereading them while, at the same time, listening to your songs and reading the poems youve written for me.

my heart was drowning in a sea of inexpressible sorrow, i could not breathe.

you took your mask off, showed me all the skeletons in your closet and unveiled your book. it was difficult but i accepted them all and stayed. 

and yet,

someone came along and caught your attention.

i brushed it off

and instead, trusted in your love

i trusted your words

i trusted you

but you...

you picked my heart up only to piece it together and throw it against a wall.

ang sakit naman nito

i guess i was right, i will never be good enough; i will never be worth keeping.

it was nice meeting you, shamsi.

*** 

he refused to stitch his heart up and slept with the cuts open. he hoped that by dawn, every single emotion would have flowed out from the wounds thus, waking up numb.

***