huling sulat.

okay na ko eh... okay na eh hindi na kita naiisip, hindi ko na tinitignan instagram mo pero message ka pa rin ng message so ako naman tatanga tanga akala ko may nagbago tinignan ko yung profile mo.

wow, nagcamping pala kayo. ang saya naman. kitang kita ko sa muka mo yung saya. the way you talk and post about him just like how you talk about ne before. masya ka na nga. masaya ka na pero bakit ginugulo mo pa ko? so eto iiyak nanaman ako nararamdaman ko nanaman yung puso ko na sinusuntok sa loob ng dibdib ko.

grabe, ang bilis mo naman akong napalitan.

so sige bangon uli pilitin uli sarili na maging okay. lumipas ang isang linggo okay na hindi nanaman kita naiisip TAPOS NAGMESSAGE KA NANAMAN kesyo sino tong nagfofollow sakin sinong picture tong nilike ko, tanginang buhay naman to oh. ang daya daya mo naman eh. umalis ka na diba? ano pa bang gusto mo?

so kagabe nasa gimikan ako hindi ko napigilang magreply kasi lasing na ko eh

"kapal mo namang sabihan ako ng kung anu ano samatalang ikaw may bago."

ang haba ng usapan pero alam mo, tama ka eh, i took you for granted. masyado kong nagstick sa space natin. pero tangina naman kahit ganon bumalik naman ako eh, ang sakit sakit kasi ikaw na yung gusto kong makasama eh, ang sakit kasi nakikita kita na masayang masaya na dapat ako yung kasama mo e.

tanginang buhay naman to oh. bakit ka sumuko? bakit mo ko iniwan? akala ko ba kakayanin natin pareho? hindi ko ba deserve ng kahit last chance para sabihin na "ako yung mahal mo diba?"

pambihira naman.

sana hindi ko na lang nararamdaman tong shit sa puso ko.

buti ka pa masaya ka na.

sobrang sakit kapag naiwanan, kapag ikaw na lang yung naiwang mag isa.

ayoko na ang sakit sakit na masyado.

***

Lord, lahat ng friends ko ayaw na makinig sakin. ang hirap magisa dito sa abroad, please kunin mo na yung sakit, hindi ko na kaya po.

PUTANGINA! PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PUTANGINA!!!!!!!!! AYOKO NA!!! AYOKO NAAAAAAA!!!!!

LETTERS

Dear Elijah,

 As your stronger self I am certain that their hiking picture which you saw have devastated the new person we have tried building these past days. I'd like to believe that what happened is necessary. 

You needed a force that is stronger than the love that remains in your heart. 

It may seem like we are starting again from square one but you can do this.

I know it's tough to deal with sorrow as you are alone in a foreign land but YOU CAN DO THIS.

Throw away all the dreams and promises youve swore to each other, every single bit of it.

YOU CAN DO THIS

YOU WILL FALL OUT LOVE

YOU WILL FORGET

YOU WILL BE OKAY 

and one day you'll be able to look at his pictures and feel absolutely nothing. 

AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME IV

To you whom I was certain to share and spend the rest of my life with,

9:35pm:

I received a call from an unfamiliar number.

My mind raced as I saw where the call was coming from. My phone's screen lit up and, in bold letters, it said: CA, United States. 

"who's this?" I asked even though my heart could already tell who was on the other line.

"hey, uhm it's me." he whispered.

The conversation, surprisingly, lasted for an hour and forty five minutes. 

Apologies and final goodbyes were said.

"are you happy with him?" 

My voice trembled as I braced myself for his answer.

"yes"

It was a vicious slap on my face.

"but don't get me wrong, I still love you.". 

and another one.

"You know, to be honest, Im not angry with you, I dont hate you. Im just sad and it was a petty attempt to mask the pain that I feel."

"I'm sorry"

"No, Don't be. I'll be fine."

We've reached the end of our journey. Hanggang dito na lang and I have to accept that. It's actually quite heartbreaking to peruse our happy posts on this blog, and never have I imagined writing something like this. 

It's over, I surrender.

"But if this love's not ours to have, I'll let it go with your goodbye."

***

AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME III

2:06am:

for the last time I puffed my fifth cigarette stick for tonight. As I sat in the balcony staring across the dubai skyline, the thoughts I have tried evading these past days, ambushed me.

I looked his instagram page up. Ive been successful this past week for not checking it and I thought Ive come so far but I was wrong.

I saw his smile.

The smile that would always greet me during our early skype sessions.

The smile that I saw when he emerged from the arrival gate at the airport.

The smile that I would wake up to every morning we spent together.

A smile that is now because of the new man in his life.

Again, I am ruined.

Again, I am defeated.

I have been replaced so easily.

He said I would never know the feeling of leaving the person you love.

... the person you love...

...love...

how do you abandon love?

If this is how love is supposed to feel, then I refuse to be loved.

Is love responsible for the tears that stream down my cheeks as I type this?

Is it the sharp pang that I feel inside my chest?

If it's so, then I dont want any of it.

Oh the I'll-be-fine and the I'll-be-okay lies that I tell my friends and coworkers whenever they ask

The countless How-to-move-on articles that Ive been reading

The strength inducing songs Ive been listening to

All of it dancing in front of me; mocking me, humiliating me.

There really is no escape, no shortcuts.

...

All those promises

All the ugly crying

Gone with the wind.

...

He is happy without me

I have accepted it a hundred times and now I must be reminded of it again.

...

I'll be fine.

AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME II

I decided to walk home by myself after the party. The street lights dimly lit the narrow, stone pavement that lead to my apartment. I tucked my hands inside my leather jacket's pockets as I felt the cold, winter breeze chase me all around the dark alleys; chasing... haunting... calling my name... just like the chest of shattered hopes and dreams trying to claw its way out from the abyss where I have buried it for the past few days. 

My friends took me to a karaoke place that night. It was a warm and cozy little club with colorful lights of red, blue, yellow and green fluttering in the air like summertime butterflies. Mirrors, adorned with floral curves and swirls, were installed on the walls making the small, asian-inspired hub, spacious. 

The place was half filled. On our left was a table with adults celebrating a birthday, while three loud couples were drinking on our right. It was supposed to be a happy night until people started taking turns with the music requests and the sing alongs.

I initiated taking pictures of me and my friends, trying my best to ignore the mushy songs that I was certain, would do nothing but flood my head with unwanted memories. But i failed. I kept a fake smile plastered on my face as the lyrics: 

"you said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away. From the look upon your face I see it's true."

from that stupid, insensitive son of a bitch singing on the ledge, resonated in my ear.

"so tell me all about it, tell me all the plans you're making."

The crucifix continued but I kept myself together because I didnt want to be the broken asshole who'll jeopardize the evening. 

Moments after posting my friend and I's picture on instagram, my ex, the reason for all this aching, messaged me:

"So you are trying to hurt me by doing this and posting stuff like that... If you're indeed doing all of this on purpose, and youre not going to tell me otherwise, then I really did make the right decision and also want nothing more to do with you. You are messy."

"I'M A MESS BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME! PUTANGINA MO PALA EH, ANG KAPAL MO NAMAN NA IIWAN AKO, MAKIKIPAGSEX KA SA IBANG TAO, AY WAIT, SABI MO NGA, BJ NGA LANG YON HINDI SEX, MAG I-I LOVE YOU KA SAKEN PERO HINDI KA BABALIK. ANO, GUSTO MO HIHINTAYIN KITA HABANG MAY KINIKITA KA NA IBANG TAO?TAPOS MAGMEMESSAGE KA NGAYON NG KUNG ANU ANONG SHIT KAHIT ALAM MO NAMAN NA MAGKAIBIGAN LANG TALAGA KAME! YOU SAID YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT ME? WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT ME WHEN YOU UNDRESSED AND MADE OUT WITH HIM? WAS I ON YOUR MIND WHEN HE EXPLORED YOUR BODY WITH HIS TONGUE? WHEN YOU CARESSED EACH OTHER? TELL ME! PUTANGINA MO, PUTANGINA NINYONG DALAWA MAGSAMA KAYO!"

I wanted to respond so bad but telling him all this would not change anything but induce more pain and destruction.

I reached home after the 10 minute stroll that what seemed to be an eternity. I didn't bring home anything from the night out except a reminder of broken vows of everlasting love and fidelity, the dreams that will never be fulfilled, unsaid words and unanswered questions, regret, pain and emptiness. Two years of bridging oceans and conquering distances, of breaking long distance relationship stereotypes and setting new standards, of togetherness, bliss and struggles, of forgiveness and acceptance, of trust and of growing together, all destroyed in a matter of weeks. 

Moments before I shut my eyes I broke the promise I swore to myself - to never check both of your instagram accounts.

I felt my heart fell off my chest. Its glued fragments, bits that scattered before which I picked up and pieced together, broke against the silver tiles as I read the caption referring to a bouquet of pink roses that you gave him.

Sobs of defeat and betrayal turned into rage and bitterness, that slowly subsided into a dull pain and apathy.

I stared blankly at the ceiling, wide awake for the next hour until deep breaths and soft whispers of "You are strong, you can do this." put my tired eyes to sleep.