Memories In a Love Song

“ikaw ang pag-ibig, sa araw at gabi..."

 (You are the love as the sun rises 'til it sets) 

My heart recalls

 "ikaw ang pag-asang tanglaw sa dilim" 

(You are the hope that sheds light in the dark) 

In the freezing hostile nights 

There I was, carving words of joy 

Hands bare

Alone 

Indifferent 

Yet breathing still, unbroken 

"napapawi ang hirap at pighati" 

(it soothes the difficulty and sorrow) 

My heart was frozen 

Your love was fire

It purged my soul

Of all its fears and doubts

I felt whole, alive 

"langit ang buhay sa tuwing ika'y hahagkan, anong ligaya sa tuwing ika'y mamasdan" 

(life is heaven with you, what joy it is to set my eyes on you)

My heart was overjoyed 

Love flowed from its veins

And filled its beating chambers 

It moved firmly and quietly 

I was whole and alive 

"sa piling mo, ang gabi'y tila araw, ikaw ang pangarap, ikay lamang" 

(with you, the evenings are mornings, you are my dream, you alone.)

In you I find solace 

My day and night 

My breathtaking sunrise 

My tranquil evening sky 

With you I have purpose 

With you

I am whole and alive

Twilight

5:10am

They looked at him with inquisitive eyes; waiting for a spark that would illuminate the depths of his soul.

"If you really did love him, why didn't you fight for him? why didn't you beg when he decided to leave?"

He took a deep breath, leaned back and puffed his last cigarette as he veered away and threw his gaze up the starless sky; subtly attempting to recollect the events that transpired about two years ago.

"you know..." he felt a sudden pang in his heart as the words reluctantly escaped his lips -a dull pain which he managed to conceal behind a casual smirk.

"wouldn't it be selfish if you force someone to stay and love you kahit na hindi ka na nila kayang mahalin?"

"kasi diba..." They watched his pupils dilate -a subconscious sign of readiness of love yet through them they saw defeat and emptiness. Love and sorrow -it was a paradox in its cruelest form. "kapag mahal mo, dapat kung saan siya sasaya?"

He noticed the quizzical expression on their faces. "was the feeling suicidal?" They both asked.

 In a swift second, he once again plunged into the maggot broth of forlorn memories. "masakit..." He whispered. "na kahit  ikamatay ko pa, kung sa paraang iyon ay mabubuhay siya..." he paused and let out an insignificant breath "magpapakamatay na lang ako."

"do you still..." They hesitated. Both of his friends knew the severity of their question

His vigorous love for him has stood the passage of time. It was the kind of love that was silent and self-sacrificing yet unrelenting. The seventh wonder of the world, his sun and moon, the love of his life, his habibi, will never come back and with that he is certain. Be that as it may, he still made an irrevocable decision to keep loving until the last teardrop falls; until the next phase of the moon, until the dying embers in his heart burn out.

5:59am

He saw the colors of the sun's glow in the horizon; the spectrum it threw at the great divide. The evening had ended in a nostalgic twilight. And through his eyes of perpetual sorrow, he looked at his friends..

"yes, i still do."

Choices

So that is how it feels like... to hear the person you love weep over the man he had replaced you with. 

Like unsharpened knives cutting your heart open, its dull edges prolonging the process inflicting more pain and suffering.

Blood gushes each passing moment, every sob takes the blade deeper.

You stay and endure the ache

just so his heart and soul wouldn't break

His tears eventually lulls him to sleep

and you, you my friend, will be nothing more but a mere sponge who willingly absorbed his burden out of sheer stupidity.