Confessions of a Forbidden Love II

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

It was utterly unexpected

...

I was doing well, basking in the pleasures of my serene world; a world shared between me and my lover

My lover was love in its most flawless form 

The way that he would press his lips against mine

The way that he would run his fingers through the strands of my hair

The way that he would fill my heart with very special things

Had me falling for him even more

...

And then you came

You

You made me do foolish things

You made me set my priorities aside

You made me ignore my obligations

And yet

You showed me love

Love so strong that it broke through the walls my sanctuary

Love that transfigured my perceptions of what a perfect lover is

Love that I knew I cannot not live without

You

You're the one I would love to spend my forever with

...

But darling there is a time for everything

And now is not ours 

It's breaking my heart

It's torturing my soul

The lone thought of you drifting away

The thought of you not being mine

Perhaps there will be another time for us

And when it comes

We will stand on each other's doorstep 

Confessing a love once forbidden

...

"I'll be saving love songs and lullabies and there's so much more that no one's ever heard before. Something's telling me it might be you, all of my life"

Confessions of a forbidden love

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

(1)

I first saw you from a distance. Your eyes were scrutinizing the caliber of my craft. I saw you laughing, your giggles brought me paranoia. You were cocky and I hate you.

(2)

It was the night we first conversed. The way you picked and weaved your words together became music to my ears. I found out that we're both writers. It made me like you. 

(3)

You showed me to your world, your "repressed" world. You unveiled your true self and I loved every bit of it. Your literary darlings, I treasured them. Underneath your manly tattoos I saw the gentle, fragile and the hopeless romantic you. It made me like you even more. 

(4)

I showed you mine. The things that prowl behind my blinding mask, the skeletons and caskets I buried to oblivion were excavated before you. You met my friends, you loved them and they loved you back. There was no point in denying, I started to fall for you.

(...)

(8)

My love for you failed to conceal itself. You were witty. Your fancy theories and ways somehow found a way to divulge the secret I've been struggling to put out of sight. As my fingers shook constantly, my mouth began to utter a confession. "I'm falling for you". Your eyes, your face... they revealed none. You said you're confused. That somewhere deep in your heart you feel something yet your brain that relies on the norms tells you that it's wrong. fuck the norms! 

"I am confused, I have a lot of questions yet one thing for me remains certain... I am happy with you"

I was scared; in fact I was beyond scare. Professing love towards someone who thinks that this certain kind of affection is forbidding frightened me. I was afraid... of losing you.

(8 1/2)

"Just promise me after this night, nothing will change."

"I promise"

(9)

Everything changed. My calls and messages were not returned. My mind was racing, thoughts of your absence tortured my soul. Up to this point in time, you remain hushed. What happened? Should I brace myself for a horrific end? Why can't it be the two of us? I -- I just hope you would let your heart feel what your eyes refuse to see.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction, the author's still trying to convince himself though. 

Thoughts VI

It's been a long while and it seems like you've gone a long way.

There you were, on that same spot where I first laid eyes on you. You were busy talking to your friends, exchanging hugs and kisses. You turned out to be more beautiful since the last time I saw you. At first I wanted to turn back and walk away but something in me wanted to know how you're doing.

"Uhm, Hi... how are you? It's been a year" As I stare blankly towards your expressionless face, images from our past began to reel on my mind.

The memories I kept in a casket buried deep in the depths of my oblivious head, somehow crawled its way up to where we stood.

Do you remember how I used to bring you roses on our special days? 

How about the letters I stayed up all night just to write?

Do you remember the feeling when all we had to do was walk aimlessly and let time fly?

Do you remember... sitting beneath the cloudless sky, the moon's pulsating beam illuminating our very shadows as we indulge ourselves in exchanging fantasies of what our life together would be like. My soft lips gently pressed against yours; my fingers smoothing the strands of your chestnut hair, Do you remember any of it?

It's sad though, how I lacked the courage to say to you every memoir that was summoned in my head. I knew you've gone far. I knew the pain you've had to overcome; the pain that kept you up all night weeping and searching for answers. The pain.... I inflicted.

If only I have the power to go back in time and correct my wrongs just so I could keep you wrapped in my arms, I would've done it. If only I was wise enough to know the fruits of my shortcomings, I would have been more cautious. If only I kept myself in love in times when I was about to fall out it...

Your eyes looked away as I tried to share a tale.

"Elijah, I hope you understand"
"... uhm, of course! I'm sorry"
"You know, one thing I don't get is that I'm not mad at you for breaking my heart. I don't know why but I guess we really don't need to understand everything right?"
"...right"
"...uhm, take care of yourself"
"yes, you too."

In my head was a whisper "My darling, I shouldn't have let you walk out my door"

P.S.
Our entire love story's written here on my blog, search for thoughts 1-5 it's there. If you've been following me since 2010, you'll know this one.

It was beautiful dream. A dream the Gods knitted to reward those who indulge in the fantasies of love.

It was a dream of happiness, 

of what might have been, 

of wild roses on the mountainside;

of me burying my nose

into the daisies you plucked for me; 

of you looking tenderly at me 

as the fragrance filled my heart.

I dreamed of us throwing pebbles by the riverbank. Filaments of light filled the waters as it reflected the sun’s spectrum. We held hands, gave a wink and in a split second, plunged into the enticing waters. Laughter roared as the warm river caressed our skin.

I dreamed of us dressed in white; exchanging vows, standing by the shore, looking deep into each other’s eyes as frozen in time. I held you closer and pressed my lips against yours. I wrapped you in my arms, swept up in a whirlwind romance.

But it was just a dream

The audible sound of a heart that shattered into pieces was so vivid that it echoed all over the room. The sheets were wet with tears. The silence was deafening. The pain was unbearable. I kept my eyes closed, struggling to journey back into deep slumber. 

But all hope was lost

I gathered enough strength to face the day's crucible. 

Towards the window I went. I saw the sun’s glow in the horizon; the spectrum it threw at the great divide. I believe the hour of my dreams had ended in the nostalgic twilight; and I closed my eyes as I sighed “I still love you.” 

For you... happy valentines

So it took me a couple of days before posting this. I'm afraid I didn't have the courage to press the PUBLISH POST button and have this as a constant reminder of what I lost. Nonetheless, happy valentines.

...

Another year given and done
I've come through, safe one more time
The days are warmer than I thought
It burns a pathway through the haze
of a thousand bird filled mornings
that would never reach your eyes

I am sitting alone tonight darling
Alone in the cold old room
and the sound of the rain
as it falls on the pane
makes darker its gathering gloom

The rain too is falling
on your picture as if washing
the dust of years and memories
that only my heart carries

caress me in my dreams
if only to soothe my awakening
Hold me in your arms as if you were beside me
cup your hands on my cheeks
and look deep into my eyes
so you could see once more
limitless and as pure as the cloudless sky
MY UNFATHOMABLE LOVE FOR YOU

I feel and see you in every tree and flower
in every drop of rain
maybe a soft breeze that wafts
gently touching my skin till I drift away

smoothe my hair with your hands
and wipe away my tears
tears of longing, regret and bereavement
I can't forget the long years
years of pain and life's crucible
but I'll always remember the minutes
minutes of tenderness and care
that soothed the agony of your absence

...

A story to tell

I know, I know, it's been weeks and my absence here in the blogsphere was a clear violation of my new year's resolution (to blog at least once a week). Aside from school kasi, I've been very busy teaching dance. Btw, this ain't one of my usual posts na seryoso, matalinhaga and stuff.

If you're a medtech student, you can definitely relate. There's this annual event where MT students gather for uhh pageant, seminar, singing and talent competitions (like a HS intramurals).

What pressured me the most was the fact that me and my team were informed about the dance contest 5 days before the event! I was like WTF?? 4 DAYS TO REHEARSE? MOTHER OF GOD (very 9gag lang).

Fuck! Our Lady of Fatima University (I know a couple of dancers from there) FEU MORAYTA (okay, mamamatay na ko, magaling lang tao don) I visited kasi the website where the list of contestants were shown, siyempre I had to check out the competition. If I'm not mistaken there were at least 15 contenders pero yung fatima and feu ang naretain ng memory ko, prolly because they're the ones na alam kong magaling talaga.

Here are my girls:

day 1



day 4



day 5, pizza muna habang hinihintay magstart ang competition



and then, after 2 hours of waiting, nakasayaw na sila.. and ang result..
























2ND PLACE :)



sorry pero proud na proud lang ako. I mean, 2nd place in 4 days?? grabe! Ang mas grabe pa eh na cut yung music namin, the incompetent sound guy thought that I was kidding when I said "hihinto talaga yung music niyan sa bandang dulo".

Kung babalikan yung day 1 ng practice, wala silang SWAGUUH walang confidence tapos on the competition day mapapanuod mo sila na hinihiyawan ng mga tao, character kung character sa stage GAWD!! Sinong hindi magiging proud diba?

Being a choreographer really isn't all about the money. Watching your kids perform on stage and realizing that somehow you've been a significant part of their growth is priceless.

Here's the video pala. Thanks for reading folks! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2lF2bTK2FQ

What if?

“’What’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. -Letters to Juliet”

It was unreal, but it was happening

and he tried so hard to resist him and his charm

because he knew it was too good to be true

he was filled with longings

longings he buried in a deep abyss

longings he should have forgotten long ago



01.09.12

"I used to hate you so much" / I'm glad we're friends again

"I'm sorry"

"I really loved you" / seeing you now brings this familiar feeling

"..."

"Did you love me? Those sweet things you said, the appreciation, the love, the concern, were those real?"

He held a bottle of hot sauce

Oo, kasing init nito. Actually, dapat makikipagbreak na ako sa boyfriend ko, para sa'yo

"Ah, I see" / They why didn't you leave him? I ignored the f*cking pain! I became a sucker who waited six long months for you! Why didn't you leave him? WHY?!

"Tingin mo ba kung naging tayo noon, tayo parin hanggang ngayon?

"... I don't know" / YES! Sobrang mahal kita, it would have been a fairy tale, a dream come true!

"Just forget about it, ang importante ngayon friends na tayo"

"oo tama... magkaibigan" / kalimutan ang lahat... wish it was that easy


...

Liham ng isang pusong napopoot.

"Hindi ka para sa akin, ayoko na!"

Every minute I stare at you my heart breaks.
From start to finish thoughts of you bring torment,
wrecking my spirit,
turning my hope into specks.
You are far from comprehension,
far from reach.

As my feet remain planted on the ground
there you are up in the heavens
hovering over my head
mocking my wits
shaming my pride
I despise you

Have I not exerted effort?
were my attempts too feeble?
I gave you the best gold
you gave me filthy rags
I gave you time
you spare not one minute
I spit on you

I thought what we had was special
I thought you and I could get along splendidly
I was wrong
I was very wrong
Depart from me
Be gone elsewhere
I hate you

Hindi ka para sa akin, ayoko na!

Stupid polynomials! noong bata ako numbers lang ang minumultiply bakit ngayon pati letters?! While taking our quiz after the short discussion, I kinda peeked into my seatmate's paper and I'm like "hala, bakit ang haba ng sagot niya". As expected, mine was wrong. Damn it! just when I thought I completely understood everything. I hate you math.

Bring it on 2012!

2011 has been a painful year. Don't worry, I won't go through every sorrowful detail I mean, I don't want to bore you readers with all my sob stories. To keep it concise, 2011 for me, was a year of betrayal. I struggled with agony from January up to the very last days of December.

Still, I am thankful. I am thankful for the lessons the past year has taught me, thankful to the people who were always with me in those dire times.



2012 promises nothing but uncertainty. However, there is one thing I'm sure of... I am STRONGER NOW.

BTW I have 5 vows for 2012.

1. Update my blog regularly (at least once a week)
2. Read more books
3. Attend dance classes
4. Gain weight
5. STAY POSITIVE