Random

Depression isnt always at 3am. Sometimes it's at 3pm, while you're with a bunch of friends and you are halfway through a laugh.

The Little Things

... I despise them all.

watching jimmy kimmel and seeing hollywood boulevard

seeing my bestie crizzle's snapchat stories driving around california

being told that i have an american accent

listening to customers talk about how they got their fiance visas in just three months

this stupid pinoy teleserye On The Wings of Love about a long distance relationship couple who ended marryng each other

this bunch of americans at starbucks who talk so loudly that I found out one was from orange county, anaheim (i wasnt sure), LA and oh San Diego

gay couples on my instagram feed

all these pathetic things that seem, according to Pablo Neruda, to be little boats that sail back to an old love.

I hate it.

No one really knows what I'm willing yo give just so I could forget them all completely. 

***

I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up.

I bet you're tired from a long hard week.

I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you

'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.

I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you

And risk another goodbye.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.

It's probably better off this way.

And I confess, babe,

In my dreams you're touching my face

And asking me if I wanna try again with you.

And I almost do.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

I bet this time of night you're still up.

I bet you're tired from a long hard week.

I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.

Midnight Confessions

12:20am

A couple of months ago, on this same bed at this exact time, I still vividly remember how tears gently rolled down my cheeks as memories of us flood every crevice in my mind. 

I was helpless.

No amount of words were adequate to convey the agony that has plagued and crippled my whole being. 

I was not exaggerating in my previous post when I begged for the Angel of Death to take my life.

It was THAT painful.

I could sit here all night and narrate how dull the days that followed were but this post isn't about that.

***

Again, as I recall the series of events that took place I cant help but feel a sense of pride.

Yes, pride.

I am proud of myself for I have triumphed over the monster that is depression. 

It was a tough fight.

I had to encourage myself EVERY 

SINGLE DAY to get back on my feet. 

I realized that at times like these, all I can really count on was myself. After failing so many attempts to forget, I have learned how to deal with the sudden waves of me and my ex's memories and have refrained from checking his social media accounts and listening to heartbreak inducing songs. 

Every time an unwanted picture appears in my head (like say, him having sex with his new partner) especially at work, I just pause and whisper "nope, dont hurt yourself, Elijah, you dont need that. you're strong!" to myself. It seems weird but it helped a lot.

I feel stronger because even though a lot of my friends suggested that I channel my emotions to somebody else (a rebound) I refused to. I chose to heal on my own and deal with the damages head on.

Maybe I'm not 100% okay, maybe the strength that I feel so proud of is fragile and can break any moment but one thing is certain... I am definitely in a better place now.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

In line with this, I want to thank the following people for helping me cope with my breakup.

Christian, my beloved best friend, we're miles apart but I always feel the warmth of your embrace with your words. You're forever seared in my heart.

Kino, your tough love never fails. Thank you for making me laugh and telling me that I am special even at times when I know I'm not; for taking me out to coffee dates and enduring a 45min train ride, even though you're always busy with school just so I'd have company. I am more than grateful for our friendship, I appreciate everything you've done.

Maricar, thank you for always slapping me with reality and then gently tapping my shoulder afterwards. Your objective reasoning has helped me see my faults in our relationship clearer thus being able to forgive myself too and make moving on possible. I love you tons!

Abi, indeed love can come from the least expected places, who knew that our experiences would bring us closer. I appreciate your daily encouragement, as a matter of fact I save them on my phone and reread them whenever I'm down. You've helped me in a lot of ways! I can't wait to see you when I get home this year.

Kelly and Team Malibu, thank you girls for the comfort and also making me laugh with all the stupid memes and dick jokes. It is so amazing to see our friendship transcend time and distance. I love you guys for life.

Because of all of you, my heart feels lighter. 

Kaunting panahon na lang magiging ganap na ang pagiging buo muli ng pagkatao ko. 

***

End.

LVD II

"Bakit ka malungkot, lalaki lang yan! There's plenty of fish in the sea!"

"hindi ka na mahal non why are you still depressed? enjoy your single life!"

"ang dami dami jan elijah! you're in dubai! it's easy to replace people here!"

"keep yourself busy!"

"siya nanaman iniisip mo, hindi ka na iniisip non magmove on ka na!"

"please tell me youve moved on na, almost 3 months na oh!"

"tama na yan, teh! tama na lungkot lungkutan!"

SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am sick and tired of hearing all these nonsense! You think I chose to be depressed? Na pinipili kong mag dwell sa nasira naming relasyon over being happy? TANGINA NYO.

You people do not understand me! Nobody understands! If only ya'll knew what I'm willing to do just so I could start being happy again!

You dont know the feeling of building your whole world around one person, building your dreams and all that garbage only to see it burn before your eyes! 

Hindi nyo ko naiindtindihan!

Alam nyo ba yung pakiramdam na pinupunit yung puso mo habang nakikita mo yung picture nilang ang sweet sweet then you'll think "shit naman, this is the guy who told me he'll never leave... that he cant see himself with another guy... that we'll get married one day."

ANG SAKIT NON PUNYETA NAMAN ALAM NYO BA YON? HINDE!

Every morning when I wake up, I wish na sana mamatay na lang ako. It's so hard to face the day and smile and crack jokes around people while you know that deep down, you're lifeless. 

tangina niyong lahat. hindi niyo alam ang nangyayare saken.

LIVING WITH DEPRESSION

     Depression creeps upon you quietly. At the very beginning you struggle with the little things but you usually try to ignore them. "It's like a headache" you'll tell yourself. It's temporary and it'll pass, it's just another bad day... but it's not.

     You're stuck in this state of mind. You get used to puttin on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that's what you have to do, it's what others do. However, the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play everyday and it starts to cost you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and that's when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes conpletely shutting them out.

     All satisfaction is gone. 

     The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful. Now, why would you keep trying if nothing makes you happy anyway. 

     All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle. Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable; just white noise, just... heaviness, filling your mind and spilling all over your body. You feel as though you will never be happy again. 

     You continue to back away and destroy relationships. You're ashamed of everything you've done and everything you haven't. There is a part of you that wants to make things right. A sudden positive upsurge wants you to go out and meet people but it's all very short-lived because you know it won't work anyway. 

     Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you. 

      Another failure is not an option, so in the end you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks you questions. 

     The low self-esteem and lack of purpose becomes unbearable you finally realize that you can't go on that way and two things can happen. 

      You either decide to get some help or you might attempt suicide.


     ***


  -Callmekat

drunk words

ayoko na.

maraming beses ko na sinabi na puputulin ko na ang mga bgay n naguugnay satin at maraming beses na rin ako nabigo.

pero ngayon tatapusin ko na.

tanggap ko na.

at kahit magusap pa tayo paikot ikot lang ang mga sasabihin natin.

talo nanaman ako eh

ako parin ang iiyak sa bandang huli habang pinapakita mo sa lahat kung gaano ka kasaya

wala lang

parang walang nangyare.

tinigil ko ang pakikipagkita kay athar

hindi ko kayang lokohin ang sarili ko

mahal pa rin kita

pero wag ka magalala dahil pinipilit ko na wag ka ng mahalin

haharapin ko to mag isa

ilang beses ko nang hinayaan na buksan mo ang mga sugat ko

ngayon...

hindi nman siguro kalabisan na piliin ko naman ang sarili ko

gaya ng pagpili mo sa kanya

hindi ko parin maintindihan kung bakit ang bilis ng mga pangyayare

siguro hindi ko naman kailangan pang maintindihan

simula ngayon

tapos na

hindi na ako aasa

hindi na ako magaabang ng mensahe mo

tapos na

... sana hindi na lang kita nakilala.

tangina naman!!!! bakit ba nanggugulo ka pa?

so eto nanaman tinawagan kita para iexplain yung side ko nagbabakasakali ako na piliin mo ko uli kasi diba ako yung mahal mo e.

ang cute nyo talaga sa instagram, i cant believe why i checked it again.

ang sakit parin tangina, ang sakit sakit!

nung hinawakan ko yung kamay nung nakilala ko, nung niyakap nya ko ang sakit kasi part of me wishes na sana ikaw yon. tangina naman

sana mabilis din ako mag move on, tangina naman pagod na pagod na ko. pagod na pagod na!

hindi ko na kaya.

umalis ka na sa isip ko please

Thoughts II

"I'm sorry, I'm the problem."

"No matter what I say or do, I will never be good enough."

"I want to die."

"I'm nothing."

"I don't see the reason for trying... or for talking... or for breathing."

"Get out of my head!"

Thoughts

The past two months have been depressing for me. My sorrow has literally affected both my work and my relationship with my roommates. I've honestly lost the drive to move forward with my life. I'm not sad but I'm not entirely happy either. I laugh and crack jokes whenever I'm with my friends but when I'm alone at night, I forget how to feel. 

People get the impression that I've moved on from the breakup because of the recent photos I posted. 

People think I enjoy basking in this "freedom" Ive found, flirtig with different guys and dating random people.

I'd love to defend myself against these idiotic ideas but I'll just let them think whatever they want.

I dont think there's a word accurate enough to convey how awful I see myself now. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship...