A chance at love II

A writer to another writer.

Right now, it's as if I am robbed of all the sweet words I know. 

I'm currently at work yet both my heart and mind are elsewhere; basking on a cloud of indescribable joy.

My cup overflows with your love. Thank you, inta hayati.

9 YEARS

I started blogging back in 2007. I was a scrawny, bespectacled 15 year old, college freshman who just wanted to hone his writing prowess.

like OH MY GOD I looked so disgusting, it's as if I dont have money to buy food haha

A lot has changed during the course of nine years. Before, I used to tackle issues ranging from the most hated professor in college up to the university budget.

Everyone in the academe had something to say about the policies that run the country. Stupid me tried fitting in haha and man, I did not enjoy one bit.

still looking gross haha

As I continued to grow in writing I realized that journalism is not my strength. I mean, I'm an okay feature, news and editorial writer but I knew I'm something else.

I tried reading more novels. My bookshelf was filled with Sidney Sheldons, Dan Browns, Paolo Coehlos and Nicholas Sparks. I fell in love with their styles, choices of words that tug ones heart strings.

I remember writing my first prose, or wait, was it a poem? i cant remember but what im certain is it wasn't anything journalistic. it wasn't good but people loved it so I kept going.

it was tough at first but eventually i got the hang of communicating my feelings and even effectively creating characters and picturing scenarios through words.

this blog has witnessed my first and last heartbreak with a girl haha and then with hmm three guys i think? by the time i came out of the closet haha

i honestly dont know where I'm going with this haha it's just nice to look back.

this me now and no, the guy on the photo is not a significant other, my friends just said i look good on the picture so i chose it.

i think it's fair to say that puberty and i got along pretty well.

oh btw, follow me and I'll do the same

ig: b0okofeli

snapchat: b0okofeli

Changes

Pain changes people they said.

... well, i feel myself changing and i love it.

A week ago my ex bestfriend here in dubai tried to reach out

One night, I woke up and saw a notification on my phone saying that I had missed a call from him which then was followed by a message on instagram saying "Eli, call me."

If i was my old, emotionally unstable self, I'm pretty sure that I wouldve ran outside the room where the signal is good and called him right away.

but i didn't.

a few days later our common friend called me and asked to grab a few drinks, I missed him so I said yes. When he mentioned that he's tagging along all I said was "nope, I'll see youbsome other time." "but you guys are bestfriends right?" he insisted, "nope" i replied.

it feels so damn good to not give a fuck.

some boys whom I was talking to back in  February, I think, are still consistent in asking me out. I kept talking to them over the past few months in hopes that it would help me remain distracted to constantly checking my ex as I continued  with the healing process.

i remember getting sad when the responses i get from them were shot and shallow. 

when I uploaded a picture of me at the gym, these dumb dumbs started messaging me again and my response to all six of them consisted of five words: "ew, dont talk to me."

it feels so AMAZING to finally have the strength to say NO, to be able to stand my ground. Call it hard-hearted i dont care but i will not let anyone fuck with me.

I may never find true love again but I've learned to put myself first and that, I believe, is the best form of love.

 

it was a long thirty minute shower. 

Memories flood his already exhausted mind as water trickled from scalp to toe.

"you dont know whats on my mind, you dont know what it's like to leave the person you love." An audible voice whispered in his head.

"well I dont." he murmured. "i dont because i never leave the people i love."

it was a fragment of an extremely destructive memory that seemed to have crawled its way from the abyss where he burried it, up to the surface.

he started to feel the scars

the hurt

he thought about which doors to close and which bridges to burn

because he knew that everybody out there is just going to hurt him

leave him

make false promises

he felt incapable of loving

incapable of trying

and before he twisted the knob to seize the cold water from flowing, the last words the came out of his mouth were: 

"dont wish me happiness because I am not happy. I hope you can see what you have done to me, what you have done to the person you love. I hope you're happy."

He said sorry too often.

He apologized for apologizing too much.

He said sorry like it was a greeting.

He apologized for everything that goes wrong

Because he labelled himself as a disaster.

He was sorry for not being good enough

Because no one ever told him he was good enough.

No one ever told him that he was something more than the mess inside his head and the tsunami in his heart.

So all he learned was to apologize for every single breath he took.

here i am staring blankly at the ceiling again with tears rolling down my cheeks.

someone's outside knocking on my door, offering a another chance at love.

everything is so right with him. 

the pain dissolves in the background.

i find myself starting to feel again after being numb for a long time.

im starting to get attached... too attached.

it's like my heart is slowly being pieced together as another chapter begins to carve itself on the cracks.

it's funny, i cant even find the right words to depict joy for all I've known is to write about melancholy. 

but...

i am afraid...

I dont think I can survive another heartbreak. 

Kasi tangina mejo hindi biro yung naranasan ko eh. 

it's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen. it was awful.

every single day that I open my eyes I wished I just died.

I dont think I can endure another "I'm seeing someone else now, I'm sorry."

another "I'm sorry for hurting you, Elijah."

I dont think I will have the strength to look at pictures of my future ex partner and his new boyfriend as it destroys not just my heart but my whole being.

no amount of words is adequate to convey the excruciating pain that engulfed my heart while I forced my eyes to open and stare at the their pictures as it unfold before me.

hindi ko na ata kakayanin magkaron ng flashbacks habang nasa trabaho ng mga panibagong promises na hindi matutupad.

nakakatakot...

natatakot ako...

to the point na hindi lang ako mareplayan I become paranoid. It's disgusting and I hate it. This is not me!

im crying because i feel incapable of loving and receiving love.

... because I feel unworthy.

If I could turn back time, I would've ended things on that first "hello".

***