Happy New Year

he was drowning

in his own tears

of unending sorrow

his muffled screams 

unheard by the people

celebrating the new year

he was alone

empty

lifeless

random

"From time to time, Paige went out with doctors from the hospital, but she refused to get romantically involved with any of them. Alfred Turner had hurt her too deeply, and she was determined never to go through that again."

-S.Sheldon, Nothing Lasts Forever

isolation

He yearned for long drives

for lazy mornings and warm nights

he longed for slow dances 

underneath the black, moonlit canvas

to the rhythm of unspoken vows

of eternal love and fidelity

he craved for petty quarrels

that blossomed into fierce love making  

which left nothing but gentle kisses

and intertwined souls caressed by the cold autumn breeze

he dreamed of discovering new worlds

exploring cities

getting lost in a labyrinth strangers and skyscrapers

unafraid of wandering too far

for you, his home, is with him.

but just as dreams dissolve at the crack of dawn

so did his

he looked in the mirror and saw the void on his chest

the nothingness that engulfed the remaining fragments of his heart

"the pain is debilitating" he thought

he retreated into an emotional fortress where no one could touch him again.

11/4/16

May all your dreams come true

insignificant sighs

Nine months have already passed

I can still feel the pain

one wrong picture

one wrong song

evoke forlorn memories

that lurk deep in the crevices 

of my flimsy heart

____

maybe they're right

i am but a soul that needs saving

a new love

a spark of hope

but hope

like love

is something I have abandoned

just as how i was abandoned

***

random

Maybe one day i'll be done, i'll be at peace. But until then, I'll continue to write your name... only to curse it.

the vow

alone he sat in the corner

running his palm on his chest

on withered scars that cover his heart

he remembered them sweet words vividly

what he said about love

about its wonders

about gliding through wheat fields

about lazy mornings

and skinny dipping in the ocean

he reread the poems

the songs

the little things

...

he hated it

...

you never leave the person you love

how can you abandon love?

...

eyes shut, he gently whispered

to forever close his doors

to shut people away

because everyone will leave eventually

and words, no matter how shiny they are

will lose its lustre when trials come

so he swore

with the remaining fragments of his heart on his clutches

to NEVER engage in love again

for love

is nothing more

than an illusion

a snare

and a trap of wonderful promises

***

I know you're happy and I hope you always get what you deserve. I hope you fulfill your dreams and I wish I am there to chase them with you. I'm afraid you are the last person I will ever love.

I'm not okay yet but I will be eventually, because in the end, you having found happiness is what matters...

Though I'm not going to lie, deep in the subconscious part of my head is a spark of hope wishing that one day we will be together or maybe you having found the stregnth to give us another chance.

Good night.

to the boy who awakened my heart

he's a writer

his words were warm and inviting; it thawed my frozen heart

they were sweet as honey

beautiful like summertime butterflies fluttering in the air

i was but a sad, broken hearted boy who needed saving and his timing was impeccable.

"stop holding back, show me the real you, the one you never show to anybody and i will show you real love."

"i want to be your bestfriend, your lover, your everything."

and it went on

"thats the beauty of loving someone who's broken kasi it's like you saved him"

i didnt need you, i never did but i took the risk because i trusted you.

"im half awake and im not sure if im typing this correctly..." he wrote "but if i have to whisper one last sentence, it would be: you're my everything"

"i want to be the one to make you feel all kinds of emotions."

your love, got me singing, got me doing things unimaginable. 

it drove away the hurt, the loneliness, the past. i felt alive.

"this is hard but i will be damned before i let this ship fall, i love you so much elijah, i will never give up on you, im not going anywhere."

and then everything changed...

"he's caught my attention..."

"i dont know if this is worth it anymore..."

"i need time to think..."

"i dont think i can do this..."

i was a wreck, i was weak but i had to be strong and fight for what we started.

"im ending things with you elijah, i cannot handle this baggage, this relationship is slowing me down."

like taking knives and slowly stabbing my already broken heart, i kept rereading your messages.

rereading them while, at the same time, listening to your songs and reading the poems youve written for me.

my heart was drowning in a sea of inexpressible sorrow, i could not breathe.

you took your mask off, showed me all the skeletons in your closet and unveiled your book. it was difficult but i accepted them all and stayed. 

and yet,

someone came along and caught your attention.

i brushed it off

and instead, trusted in your love

i trusted your words

i trusted you

but you...

you picked my heart up only to piece it together and throw it against a wall.

ang sakit naman nito

i guess i was right, i will never be good enough; i will never be worth keeping.

it was nice meeting you, shamsi.

*** 

he refused to stitch his heart up and slept with the cuts open. he hoped that by dawn, every single emotion would have flowed out from the wounds thus, waking up numb.

***

TANGINA TALAGA LAGI NA LANG! TANGINANG BUHAY TO AYOKO NA

he hated his concept of love

he despised yet took pride of it at the same time

it was a love that kept no record of wrongs

a true one

a persevering one

one that chooses to see past the shortcomings

one that loves even when the person is unlovable

to some it was unhealthy

to him it was the perfect gift

or perhaps a curse

he loathed himself for always caring

for enduring the beating

he believed that the only time you will let go 

is when the love is gone

that strength is measured 

by staying

and not by taking the easy way out

he detested his ideals

his strength is an abomination

*grabs feelings and crushes it with bare hands

he wished for numbness

for apathy

for oblivion

deep breaths

he remained silent

he was the type who never speak unless spoken to

he just sat there by the window

the moon's pulsating beam illuminated his curled up body

the cool evening breeze caressed his skin

everything else was pitch black

nothing can be heard except for his soft, muffled sobs resonating across the walls.

memories were relived 

wounds were reopened

so much pain

horror

regret and bereavement 

he grew desperate

desperate to free himself from the clutches of fear

but he had lost his strength

he was fragile and vulnerable

numb

so he just sat there

hushed

in the dark

by himself

"i dont know if this is worth it."

and waited till the pain fades away.

because, really, there's nothing he can do

and maybe he will be never worth it anyway

***

I just wanted you to know, that when I picture myself happy, it's with you.

A chance at love II

A writer to another writer.

Right now, it's as if I am robbed of all the sweet words I know. 

I'm currently at work yet both my heart and mind are elsewhere; basking on a cloud of indescribable joy.

My cup overflows with your love. Thank you, inta hayati.

9 YEARS

I started blogging back in 2007. I was a scrawny, bespectacled 15 year old, college freshman who just wanted to hone his writing prowess.

like OH MY GOD I looked so disgusting, it's as if I dont have money to buy food haha

A lot has changed during the course of nine years. Before, I used to tackle issues ranging from the most hated professor in college up to the university budget.

Everyone in the academe had something to say about the policies that run the country. Stupid me tried fitting in haha and man, I did not enjoy one bit.

still looking gross haha

As I continued to grow in writing I realized that journalism is not my strength. I mean, I'm an okay feature, news and editorial writer but I knew I'm something else.

I tried reading more novels. My bookshelf was filled with Sidney Sheldons, Dan Browns, Paolo Coehlos and Nicholas Sparks. I fell in love with their styles, choices of words that tug ones heart strings.

I remember writing my first prose, or wait, was it a poem? i cant remember but what im certain is it wasn't anything journalistic. it wasn't good but people loved it so I kept going.

it was tough at first but eventually i got the hang of communicating my feelings and even effectively creating characters and picturing scenarios through words.

this blog has witnessed my first and last heartbreak with a girl haha and then with hmm three guys i think? by the time i came out of the closet haha

i honestly dont know where I'm going with this haha it's just nice to look back.

this me now and no, the guy on the photo is not a significant other, my friends just said i look good on the picture so i chose it.

i think it's fair to say that puberty and i got along pretty well.

oh btw, follow me and I'll do the same

ig: b0okofeli

snapchat: b0okofeli

Changes

Pain changes people they said.

... well, i feel myself changing and i love it.

A week ago my ex bestfriend here in dubai tried to reach out

One night, I woke up and saw a notification on my phone saying that I had missed a call from him which then was followed by a message on instagram saying "Eli, call me."

If i was my old, emotionally unstable self, I'm pretty sure that I wouldve ran outside the room where the signal is good and called him right away.

but i didn't.

a few days later our common friend called me and asked to grab a few drinks, I missed him so I said yes. When he mentioned that he's tagging along all I said was "nope, I'll see youbsome other time." "but you guys are bestfriends right?" he insisted, "nope" i replied.

it feels so damn good to not give a fuck.

some boys whom I was talking to back in  February, I think, are still consistent in asking me out. I kept talking to them over the past few months in hopes that it would help me remain distracted to constantly checking my ex as I continued  with the healing process.

i remember getting sad when the responses i get from them were shot and shallow. 

when I uploaded a picture of me at the gym, these dumb dumbs started messaging me again and my response to all six of them consisted of five words: "ew, dont talk to me."

it feels so AMAZING to finally have the strength to say NO, to be able to stand my ground. Call it hard-hearted i dont care but i will not let anyone fuck with me.

I may never find true love again but I've learned to put myself first and that, I believe, is the best form of love.

 

it was a long thirty minute shower. 

Memories flood his already exhausted mind as water trickled from scalp to toe.

"you dont know whats on my mind, you dont know what it's like to leave the person you love." An audible voice whispered in his head.

"well I dont." he murmured. "i dont because i never leave the people i love."

it was a fragment of an extremely destructive memory that seemed to have crawled its way from the abyss where he burried it, up to the surface.

he started to feel the scars

the hurt

he thought about which doors to close and which bridges to burn

because he knew that everybody out there is just going to hurt him

leave him

make false promises

he felt incapable of loving

incapable of trying

and before he twisted the knob to seize the cold water from flowing, the last words the came out of his mouth were: 

"dont wish me happiness because I am not happy. I hope you can see what you have done to me, what you have done to the person you love. I hope you're happy."

He said sorry too often.

He apologized for apologizing too much.

He said sorry like it was a greeting.

He apologized for everything that goes wrong

Because he labelled himself as a disaster.

He was sorry for not being good enough

Because no one ever told him he was good enough.

No one ever told him that he was something more than the mess inside his head and the tsunami in his heart.

So all he learned was to apologize for every single breath he took.

here i am staring blankly at the ceiling again with tears rolling down my cheeks.

someone's outside knocking on my door, offering a another chance at love.

everything is so right with him. 

the pain dissolves in the background.

i find myself starting to feel again after being numb for a long time.

im starting to get attached... too attached.

it's like my heart is slowly being pieced together as another chapter begins to carve itself on the cracks.

it's funny, i cant even find the right words to depict joy for all I've known is to write about melancholy. 

but...

i am afraid...

I dont think I can survive another heartbreak. 

Kasi tangina mejo hindi biro yung naranasan ko eh. 

it's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen. it was awful.

every single day that I open my eyes I wished I just died.

I dont think I can endure another "I'm seeing someone else now, I'm sorry."

another "I'm sorry for hurting you, Elijah."

I dont think I will have the strength to look at pictures of my future ex partner and his new boyfriend as it destroys not just my heart but my whole being.

no amount of words is adequate to convey the excruciating pain that engulfed my heart while I forced my eyes to open and stare at the their pictures as it unfold before me.

hindi ko na ata kakayanin magkaron ng flashbacks habang nasa trabaho ng mga panibagong promises na hindi matutupad.

nakakatakot...

natatakot ako...

to the point na hindi lang ako mareplayan I become paranoid. It's disgusting and I hate it. This is not me!

im crying because i feel incapable of loving and receiving love.

... because I feel unworthy.

If I could turn back time, I would've ended things on that first "hello".

***

random

I'm falling too fast and I'm scared.

I'm getting used to being loved and taken care of again and it really scares the hell out of me.

People change their minds so quick. One day they'll tell you you mean the world to them pagkatapos they'll say they have to let you go.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for another  heartbreak. 

I hate that I feel like i have the need to be constantly reassured that people will stay.

I hate this.

A chance at love

"You are the reason for the crescent shape on my face from ear to ear. Your texts revives the soul in me I thought I've lost. The melodies of your words flow through my veins like oxygen. Every beat of my internal drums dances to the rhythm of yours. 

You are the reason why my phone gets hotter than the hot climate of this tropical island. You are the reason the word love is slowly writing itself back in my life. Your genuine infatuation tastes like the first bite of a decadent pizza slice. 

I am lost in awe again because a million sensations are swirling inside my head like a big bowl of halo halo. I see your picture and imagine myself touching your perfectly smooth brown skin. Your lips remind me of marshmallows I want to bite.

I'm ready for it all. I'm ready to glide over fields of flowers with you. I'm ready to sail the ocean during a storm. I'm ready to sing the beat of your heart. I'm ready to dance in the rain for every scars you've been given. Best of all I'm ready to hold your chin up when you're feeling down so your crown don't fall.

Can you feel it? Can you see it? My heart and soul is celebrating for the future. Such an unknown future and my whole aura is committed to this chance. Part of me is on full throttle but part of me is calling my actions naive and crazy. 

I don't want any lies between us. I don't want even a single dust to go through. I've felt it all. I can take it. Before you I was talking to someone. I had feelings for them and trying to make it work but then I started talking to you and I felt the same sensation I felt when I stood on the beach as the waves reached my toes and I watched the beautiful sunrise. 

I hope one day I'll be the one you come home to and complain to. I hope one day I'll be the one you can fart and shit in front of. I hope one day I'll be the one you'll be eating fatty take out with in front of the TV. I hope one day I'll be the one to wake you up for work. I hope one day I'll be the one to remind you where you put your wallet. I hope one day I'll be the one next to you in bed and you steal all the blanket. I hope one day I'll be the one to make you not look for anyone else. I hope I'll be the one to make you feel like the rest of the world don't exist. Last but not least, I hope I'll be the one you wake up next to and stare me in the eyes with no words said because our eyes speaks of the heavy emotions our hearts are singing.

And if this fairytale comes true. I want to be the one to put a rock on it. I hope I made you smile after your long work day. Go ahead and take off your clothes and relax. Don't forget to text me. And omg I haven't written this long since my last essay in college haha. Wth Keloid I hate you. ☺️"

A writer to another writer...

It's over, you've won my heart.

Just when I thought I will forever shut my doors for love, someone came along.

I'm afraid because I dont ever want to go back to when everytime I look in the mirror, I see an ugly, unlovable and unworthy me.

but now, I'm willing to try again.

Bestfriend Breakups.

My bestfriend here in Dubai abandoned me today. At first I got a little scared, fearing that I might cry in the train on the way home. Luckily, I didnt.

I didnt feel anything, I was numb. The apathy I guess stems from the void that my ex boyfriend left. My heart was in so much pain that it taught it how to not feel.

It got so used to it that people leaving dont surprise me anymore.

Although I am certain that the words I am about to forge will never reach his eyes, I am writing them simply to bring peace to my heart.

1. I deleted all our pictures on my instagram. I took them all down but you never noticed. You never noticed because you dont pay attention to the little things. You said you didnt want to be associated with loud gay men (same as how you were embarrassed to introduce me to your friends) I was hurt when you uploaded a picture of you and that fashionista guy but I kept it all to myself because I didnt want you to feel awkward and feel obliged about something that should naturally come from your heart. I got sad thinking that maybe I'm not rich or cool enough to be proud of on your social platform. I didnt want you to feel bad so I kept it.

2. That time you slept over and cuddled with me all night made me jovial. Honestly, I started to notice butterflies fluttering in my tummy the days that followed. I was so tempted to take advantage of you, to tell you how I feel but I didnt. I held my "feelings" and crushed them with my bare hands. You didnt have any friends whom you can talk to in the middle of the night, or share your frustrations and fantasies with so I kept what I felt to myself. It wouldve been entirely selfish of me to expose something that would jeopardize our friendship so I kept it all in.

3. I've been trying so hard... to please you. Aside from making a better version of me, the reason I get so excited to work out in the gym is because I wanted you to be proud of me. I told you all about kinection and addlib, the things that Ive accomplished with my dance and bought all the clothes you thought would look good on me just so you could be proud of me. When I'm with you I sometimes feel so little that is why I work hard to compensate for the inferiority. I have always been eager to help you with your school work because I wanted to show you that you can depend on me. Remember that one time I had to paraphrase a lot of your assignments while I was on the metro going to work? Or that one time I didnt take my lunch just so we could go to get coffee and work on your homework? It was tiring but i had fun. 

Everything that made me sad and terrible in our friendship, I kept it all to myself just so you wouldnt feel bad. 

I just feel tired of everything because apparently no matter how I try I will never be worth keeping.

All the efforts and sacrifices forgotten within 10 minutes. 

It was nice to meet you, though. 

Secrets.

i honestly dont know what's happening to me. 

I feel like im changing...

drowning...

lost...

alone...

I dont know if this is another phase I have to go through.

I see myself shutting my friends away and i dont know why.

I wish they'd try to ask if I'm doing okay, if there's something bothering me.

No one seems to care...

Must be something I'm gonna have to live with too.

Realizations

it's been roughly four months since my whole world collapsed.

"try to do other things, that'll keep your mind off the breakup." they said. 

"other things"

I decided to sign up for the nearest gym at my place. The trainer asked what my motivation was, I kept silent. The sessions were amazing. I felt my muscles grew as I endured the aching each passing day. 

The trainer told me to refrain from eating junk foods so I did my groceries this month and filled my cart with fruits, vegetables, brown bread and cereals.

I felt like a legit grown up planning my meals, watching youtube tutorials and actually cooking them. 

I was a whole new person because of everything that's kept me busy these past few weeks. I mean, I have a completely organized closet, I bought a rice cooker and a juicer, a cooking set and well, a little shopping. 

Focusing on the "other things" really did help me a lot. 

and then there comes the toughest part: acceptance. 

accepting that he is already happy and will never come back to me is one thing but accepting things that deal with my personal self is another.

i will never be good enough.

I said it and I somehow pity myself for feeling that way but it's the truth and I just have to live with that.

I'm not worth keeping.

...because after a specific timeframe, people will realize that there's a better person out there and similar to what always happens, they leave and choose the other.

and because of this I have decided to give my heart to someone: myself.

I'll be my own savior.

I promised that I'd go to hell with them but I did not expect that they'd leave me there. 

When I said "I love you more"

i remember the first time i replied "i love you more" instead of i love you too.

when i said "i love you more"

i dont just mean i love you more than you love me.

What I meant was I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. 

I love you more than any fight we will ever have.

I love you more than the distance between us.

I love you more than any obstacle that may try and come between us.

I love you the most.

and whatever happens at the end of the day, I'd still choose you.

***

just random things I think and I wish i forget about soon. 

Random

Depression isnt always at 3am. Sometimes it's at 3pm, while you're with a bunch of friends and you are halfway through a laugh.

The Little Things

... I despise them all.

watching jimmy kimmel and seeing hollywood boulevard

seeing my bestie crizzle's snapchat stories driving around california

being told that i have an american accent

listening to customers talk about how they got their fiance visas in just three months

this stupid pinoy teleserye On The Wings of Love about a long distance relationship couple who ended marryng each other

this bunch of americans at starbucks who talk so loudly that I found out one was from orange county, anaheim (i wasnt sure), LA and oh San Diego

gay couples on my instagram feed

all these pathetic things that seem, according to Pablo Neruda, to be little boats that sail back to an old love.

I hate it.

No one really knows what I'm willing yo give just so I could forget them all completely. 

***

I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up.

I bet you're tired from a long hard week.

I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you

'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.

I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you

And risk another goodbye.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.

It's probably better off this way.

And I confess, babe,

In my dreams you're touching my face

And asking me if I wanna try again with you.

And I almost do.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

I bet this time of night you're still up.

I bet you're tired from a long hard week.

I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.

Midnight Confessions

12:20am

A couple of months ago, on this same bed at this exact time, I still vividly remember how tears gently rolled down my cheeks as memories of us flood every crevice in my mind. 

I was helpless.

No amount of words were adequate to convey the agony that has plagued and crippled my whole being. 

I was not exaggerating in my previous post when I begged for the Angel of Death to take my life.

It was THAT painful.

I could sit here all night and narrate how dull the days that followed were but this post isn't about that.

***

Again, as I recall the series of events that took place I cant help but feel a sense of pride.

Yes, pride.

I am proud of myself for I have triumphed over the monster that is depression. 

It was a tough fight.

I had to encourage myself EVERY 

SINGLE DAY to get back on my feet. 

I realized that at times like these, all I can really count on was myself. After failing so many attempts to forget, I have learned how to deal with the sudden waves of me and my ex's memories and have refrained from checking his social media accounts and listening to heartbreak inducing songs. 

Every time an unwanted picture appears in my head (like say, him having sex with his new partner) especially at work, I just pause and whisper "nope, dont hurt yourself, Elijah, you dont need that. you're strong!" to myself. It seems weird but it helped a lot.

I feel stronger because even though a lot of my friends suggested that I channel my emotions to somebody else (a rebound) I refused to. I chose to heal on my own and deal with the damages head on.

Maybe I'm not 100% okay, maybe the strength that I feel so proud of is fragile and can break any moment but one thing is certain... I am definitely in a better place now.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

In line with this, I want to thank the following people for helping me cope with my breakup.

Christian, my beloved best friend, we're miles apart but I always feel the warmth of your embrace with your words. You're forever seared in my heart.

Kino, your tough love never fails. Thank you for making me laugh and telling me that I am special even at times when I know I'm not; for taking me out to coffee dates and enduring a 45min train ride, even though you're always busy with school just so I'd have company. I am more than grateful for our friendship, I appreciate everything you've done.

Maricar, thank you for always slapping me with reality and then gently tapping my shoulder afterwards. Your objective reasoning has helped me see my faults in our relationship clearer thus being able to forgive myself too and make moving on possible. I love you tons!

Abi, indeed love can come from the least expected places, who knew that our experiences would bring us closer. I appreciate your daily encouragement, as a matter of fact I save them on my phone and reread them whenever I'm down. You've helped me in a lot of ways! I can't wait to see you when I get home this year.

Kelly and Team Malibu, thank you girls for the comfort and also making me laugh with all the stupid memes and dick jokes. It is so amazing to see our friendship transcend time and distance. I love you guys for life.

Because of all of you, my heart feels lighter. 

Kaunting panahon na lang magiging ganap na ang pagiging buo muli ng pagkatao ko. 

***

End.

LVD II

"Bakit ka malungkot, lalaki lang yan! There's plenty of fish in the sea!"

"hindi ka na mahal non why are you still depressed? enjoy your single life!"

"ang dami dami jan elijah! you're in dubai! it's easy to replace people here!"

"keep yourself busy!"

"siya nanaman iniisip mo, hindi ka na iniisip non magmove on ka na!"

"please tell me youve moved on na, almost 3 months na oh!"

"tama na yan, teh! tama na lungkot lungkutan!"

SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am sick and tired of hearing all these nonsense! You think I chose to be depressed? Na pinipili kong mag dwell sa nasira naming relasyon over being happy? TANGINA NYO.

You people do not understand me! Nobody understands! If only ya'll knew what I'm willing to do just so I could start being happy again!

You dont know the feeling of building your whole world around one person, building your dreams and all that garbage only to see it burn before your eyes! 

Hindi nyo ko naiindtindihan!

Alam nyo ba yung pakiramdam na pinupunit yung puso mo habang nakikita mo yung picture nilang ang sweet sweet then you'll think "shit naman, this is the guy who told me he'll never leave... that he cant see himself with another guy... that we'll get married one day."

ANG SAKIT NON PUNYETA NAMAN ALAM NYO BA YON? HINDE!

Every morning when I wake up, I wish na sana mamatay na lang ako. It's so hard to face the day and smile and crack jokes around people while you know that deep down, you're lifeless. 

tangina niyong lahat. hindi niyo alam ang nangyayare saken.

LIVING WITH DEPRESSION

     Depression creeps upon you quietly. At the very beginning you struggle with the little things but you usually try to ignore them. "It's like a headache" you'll tell yourself. It's temporary and it'll pass, it's just another bad day... but it's not.

     You're stuck in this state of mind. You get used to puttin on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that's what you have to do, it's what others do. However, the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play everyday and it starts to cost you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and that's when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes conpletely shutting them out.

     All satisfaction is gone. 

     The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful. Now, why would you keep trying if nothing makes you happy anyway. 

     All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle. Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable; just white noise, just... heaviness, filling your mind and spilling all over your body. You feel as though you will never be happy again. 

     You continue to back away and destroy relationships. You're ashamed of everything you've done and everything you haven't. There is a part of you that wants to make things right. A sudden positive upsurge wants you to go out and meet people but it's all very short-lived because you know it won't work anyway. 

     Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you. 

      Another failure is not an option, so in the end you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks you questions. 

     The low self-esteem and lack of purpose becomes unbearable you finally realize that you can't go on that way and two things can happen. 

      You either decide to get some help or you might attempt suicide.


     ***


  -Callmekat

drunk words

ayoko na.

maraming beses ko na sinabi na puputulin ko na ang mga bgay n naguugnay satin at maraming beses na rin ako nabigo.

pero ngayon tatapusin ko na.

tanggap ko na.

at kahit magusap pa tayo paikot ikot lang ang mga sasabihin natin.

talo nanaman ako eh

ako parin ang iiyak sa bandang huli habang pinapakita mo sa lahat kung gaano ka kasaya

wala lang

parang walang nangyare.

tinigil ko ang pakikipagkita kay athar

hindi ko kayang lokohin ang sarili ko

mahal pa rin kita

pero wag ka magalala dahil pinipilit ko na wag ka ng mahalin

haharapin ko to mag isa

ilang beses ko nang hinayaan na buksan mo ang mga sugat ko

ngayon...

hindi nman siguro kalabisan na piliin ko naman ang sarili ko

gaya ng pagpili mo sa kanya

hindi ko parin maintindihan kung bakit ang bilis ng mga pangyayare

siguro hindi ko naman kailangan pang maintindihan

simula ngayon

tapos na

hindi na ako aasa

hindi na ako magaabang ng mensahe mo

tapos na

... sana hindi na lang kita nakilala.

tangina naman!!!! bakit ba nanggugulo ka pa?

so eto nanaman tinawagan kita para iexplain yung side ko nagbabakasakali ako na piliin mo ko uli kasi diba ako yung mahal mo e.

ang cute nyo talaga sa instagram, i cant believe why i checked it again.

ang sakit parin tangina, ang sakit sakit!

nung hinawakan ko yung kamay nung nakilala ko, nung niyakap nya ko ang sakit kasi part of me wishes na sana ikaw yon. tangina naman

sana mabilis din ako mag move on, tangina naman pagod na pagod na ko. pagod na pagod na!

hindi ko na kaya.

umalis ka na sa isip ko please

Thoughts II

"I'm sorry, I'm the problem."

"No matter what I say or do, I will never be good enough."

"I want to die."

"I'm nothing."

"I don't see the reason for trying... or for talking... or for breathing."

"Get out of my head!"

Thoughts

The past two months have been depressing for me. My sorrow has literally affected both my work and my relationship with my roommates. I've honestly lost the drive to move forward with my life. I'm not sad but I'm not entirely happy either. I laugh and crack jokes whenever I'm with my friends but when I'm alone at night, I forget how to feel. 

People get the impression that I've moved on from the breakup because of the recent photos I posted. 

People think I enjoy basking in this "freedom" Ive found, flirtig with different guys and dating random people.

I'd love to defend myself against these idiotic ideas but I'll just let them think whatever they want.

I dont think there's a word accurate enough to convey how awful I see myself now. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship...

huling sulat.

okay na ko eh... okay na eh hindi na kita naiisip, hindi ko na tinitignan instagram mo pero message ka pa rin ng message so ako naman tatanga tanga akala ko may nagbago tinignan ko yung profile mo.

wow, nagcamping pala kayo. ang saya naman. kitang kita ko sa muka mo yung saya. the way you talk and post about him just like how you talk about ne before. masya ka na nga. masaya ka na pero bakit ginugulo mo pa ko? so eto iiyak nanaman ako nararamdaman ko nanaman yung puso ko na sinusuntok sa loob ng dibdib ko.

grabe, ang bilis mo naman akong napalitan.

so sige bangon uli pilitin uli sarili na maging okay. lumipas ang isang linggo okay na hindi nanaman kita naiisip TAPOS NAGMESSAGE KA NANAMAN kesyo sino tong nagfofollow sakin sinong picture tong nilike ko, tanginang buhay naman to oh. ang daya daya mo naman eh. umalis ka na diba? ano pa bang gusto mo?

so kagabe nasa gimikan ako hindi ko napigilang magreply kasi lasing na ko eh

"kapal mo namang sabihan ako ng kung anu ano samatalang ikaw may bago."

ang haba ng usapan pero alam mo, tama ka eh, i took you for granted. masyado kong nagstick sa space natin. pero tangina naman kahit ganon bumalik naman ako eh, ang sakit sakit kasi ikaw na yung gusto kong makasama eh, ang sakit kasi nakikita kita na masayang masaya na dapat ako yung kasama mo e.

tanginang buhay naman to oh. bakit ka sumuko? bakit mo ko iniwan? akala ko ba kakayanin natin pareho? hindi ko ba deserve ng kahit last chance para sabihin na "ako yung mahal mo diba?"

pambihira naman.

sana hindi ko na lang nararamdaman tong shit sa puso ko.

buti ka pa masaya ka na.

sobrang sakit kapag naiwanan, kapag ikaw na lang yung naiwang mag isa.

ayoko na ang sakit sakit na masyado.

***

Lord, lahat ng friends ko ayaw na makinig sakin. ang hirap magisa dito sa abroad, please kunin mo na yung sakit, hindi ko na kaya po.

PUTANGINA! PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PUTANGINA!!!!!!!!! AYOKO NA!!! AYOKO NAAAAAAA!!!!!

LETTERS

Dear Elijah,

 As your stronger self I am certain that their hiking picture which you saw have devastated the new person we have tried building these past days. I'd like to believe that what happened is necessary. 

You needed a force that is stronger than the love that remains in your heart. 

It may seem like we are starting again from square one but you can do this.

I know it's tough to deal with sorrow as you are alone in a foreign land but YOU CAN DO THIS.

Throw away all the dreams and promises youve swore to each other, every single bit of it.

YOU CAN DO THIS

YOU WILL FALL OUT LOVE

YOU WILL FORGET

YOU WILL BE OKAY 

and one day you'll be able to look at his pictures and feel absolutely nothing. 

AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME IV

To you whom I was certain to share and spend the rest of my life with,

9:35pm:

I received a call from an unfamiliar number.

My mind raced as I saw where the call was coming from. My phone's screen lit up and, in bold letters, it said: CA, United States. 

"who's this?" I asked even though my heart could already tell who was on the other line.

"hey, uhm it's me." he whispered.

The conversation, surprisingly, lasted for an hour and forty five minutes. 

Apologies and final goodbyes were said.

"are you happy with him?" 

My voice trembled as I braced myself for his answer.

"yes"

It was a vicious slap on my face.

"but don't get me wrong, I still love you.". 

and another one.

"You know, to be honest, Im not angry with you, I dont hate you. Im just sad and it was a petty attempt to mask the pain that I feel."

"I'm sorry"

"No, Don't be. I'll be fine."

We've reached the end of our journey. Hanggang dito na lang and I have to accept that. It's actually quite heartbreaking to peruse our happy posts on this blog, and never have I imagined writing something like this. 

It's over, I surrender.

"But if this love's not ours to have, I'll let it go with your goodbye."

***

AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME III

2:06am:

for the last time I puffed my fifth cigarette stick for tonight. As I sat in the balcony staring across the dubai skyline, the thoughts I have tried evading these past days, ambushed me.

I looked his instagram page up. Ive been successful this past week for not checking it and I thought Ive come so far but I was wrong.

I saw his smile.

The smile that would always greet me during our early skype sessions.

The smile that I saw when he emerged from the arrival gate at the airport.

The smile that I would wake up to every morning we spent together.

A smile that is now because of the new man in his life.

Again, I am ruined.

Again, I am defeated.

I have been replaced so easily.

He said I would never know the feeling of leaving the person you love.

... the person you love...

...love...

how do you abandon love?

If this is how love is supposed to feel, then I refuse to be loved.

Is love responsible for the tears that stream down my cheeks as I type this?

Is it the sharp pang that I feel inside my chest?

If it's so, then I dont want any of it.

Oh the I'll-be-fine and the I'll-be-okay lies that I tell my friends and coworkers whenever they ask

The countless How-to-move-on articles that Ive been reading

The strength inducing songs Ive been listening to

All of it dancing in front of me; mocking me, humiliating me.

There really is no escape, no shortcuts.

...

All those promises

All the ugly crying

Gone with the wind.

...

He is happy without me

I have accepted it a hundred times and now I must be reminded of it again.

...

I'll be fine.

AUTUMN LEAVES IN WINTER TIME II

I decided to walk home by myself after the party. The street lights dimly lit the narrow, stone pavement that lead to my apartment. I tucked my hands inside my leather jacket's pockets as I felt the cold, winter breeze chase me all around the dark alleys; chasing... haunting... calling my name... just like the chest of shattered hopes and dreams trying to claw its way out from the abyss where I have buried it for the past few days. 

My friends took me to a karaoke place that night. It was a warm and cozy little club with colorful lights of red, blue, yellow and green fluttering in the air like summertime butterflies. Mirrors, adorned with floral curves and swirls, were installed on the walls making the small, asian-inspired hub, spacious. 

The place was half filled. On our left was a table with adults celebrating a birthday, while three loud couples were drinking on our right. It was supposed to be a happy night until people started taking turns with the music requests and the sing alongs.

I initiated taking pictures of me and my friends, trying my best to ignore the mushy songs that I was certain, would do nothing but flood my head with unwanted memories. But i failed. I kept a fake smile plastered on my face as the lyrics: 

"you said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away. From the look upon your face I see it's true."

from that stupid, insensitive son of a bitch singing on the ledge, resonated in my ear.

"so tell me all about it, tell me all the plans you're making."

The crucifix continued but I kept myself together because I didnt want to be the broken asshole who'll jeopardize the evening. 

Moments after posting my friend and I's picture on instagram, my ex, the reason for all this aching, messaged me:

"So you are trying to hurt me by doing this and posting stuff like that... If you're indeed doing all of this on purpose, and youre not going to tell me otherwise, then I really did make the right decision and also want nothing more to do with you. You are messy."

"I'M A MESS BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME! PUTANGINA MO PALA EH, ANG KAPAL MO NAMAN NA IIWAN AKO, MAKIKIPAGSEX KA SA IBANG TAO, AY WAIT, SABI MO NGA, BJ NGA LANG YON HINDI SEX, MAG I-I LOVE YOU KA SAKEN PERO HINDI KA BABALIK. ANO, GUSTO MO HIHINTAYIN KITA HABANG MAY KINIKITA KA NA IBANG TAO?TAPOS MAGMEMESSAGE KA NGAYON NG KUNG ANU ANONG SHIT KAHIT ALAM MO NAMAN NA MAGKAIBIGAN LANG TALAGA KAME! YOU SAID YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT ME? WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT ME WHEN YOU UNDRESSED AND MADE OUT WITH HIM? WAS I ON YOUR MIND WHEN HE EXPLORED YOUR BODY WITH HIS TONGUE? WHEN YOU CARESSED EACH OTHER? TELL ME! PUTANGINA MO, PUTANGINA NINYONG DALAWA MAGSAMA KAYO!"

I wanted to respond so bad but telling him all this would not change anything but induce more pain and destruction.

I reached home after the 10 minute stroll that what seemed to be an eternity. I didn't bring home anything from the night out except a reminder of broken vows of everlasting love and fidelity, the dreams that will never be fulfilled, unsaid words and unanswered questions, regret, pain and emptiness. Two years of bridging oceans and conquering distances, of breaking long distance relationship stereotypes and setting new standards, of togetherness, bliss and struggles, of forgiveness and acceptance, of trust and of growing together, all destroyed in a matter of weeks. 

Moments before I shut my eyes I broke the promise I swore to myself - to never check both of your instagram accounts.

I felt my heart fell off my chest. Its glued fragments, bits that scattered before which I picked up and pieced together, broke against the silver tiles as I read the caption referring to a bouquet of pink roses that you gave him.

Sobs of defeat and betrayal turned into rage and bitterness, that slowly subsided into a dull pain and apathy.

I stared blankly at the ceiling, wide awake for the next hour until deep breaths and soft whispers of "You are strong, you can do this." put my tired eyes to sleep.